I'm Fine !

Greetings, I am 21 yrs. old and am also HIV+. I was born with hemophilia and was diagnosed as being HIV+ when I was 11, having been infected through contaminated blood treatments that I received as a child.

Hemophilia is a blood disorder that causes problems in clotting, and for me it meant pesky and sometimes ridiculous nosebleeds. When the nosebleed wouldn't stop, I had to have an intravenous treatment called Factor 8, which was concentrated blood plasma from thousands of people. As a kid I didn't allow hemophilia to hinder me in any way, I did what I wanted and my parents decided they wouldn't worry themselves to death. I guess my dexterity was good enough to avoid any serious damage as a kid!

The differences between hemophilia as a child and being HIV+ as a teenager were insane. Hemophilia was an obvious thing, if I fell off my bike or smashed my knee I knew I'd be limping for a couple of weeks. With HIV, I felt no different. It was everyone else that was freaking out. I was kicked out of the 6th grade for a couple of weeks, and that was before I even knew I was HIV+! I found out that summer that I "had AIDS", and for about a month or so I watched the weather channel and ate pudding. I'm not sure what I did really, it's kind of a blur. I do know that I decided to go to school, what else was I gonna do, eat more pudding? I also decided I didn't want to talk AIDS with my friends or family, it was something that I had to deal with by myself. But the AIDS police had other ideas(DUM DUM DUM)....

Confidentiality wasn't a big priority to the parents and teachers on the school board that had me ousted in the 6th grade. Their main concern was that I didn't spread my vile disease. So on the first day of 7th grade, flyers were passed out in homeroom, informing everyone that a student at school, once again, "had AIDS". So every pimplehead in Jr. High became Sherlock Holmes. I remember being in the lunch line one day and listening to the kids in front of me as they pointed out a frail looking classmate and said, "I know he's the one with AIDS." Those silly boys! I tricked them by actually looking healthy.

In the 8th grade I was "going with" a girl, and one day she came up to me in the hall and was crying because someone had told her that, you guessed it, I "had AIDS". The good ol' AIDS police to the rescue again!

Through high school I was still using the "silent treatment", although most people knew I was HIV+. As each year passed, I knew that I WAS right in not dwelling on all of the non-sense that surrounds an HIV diagnosis, and the friends that I hung out with could obviously see that I was doing fine. I should have been able to confide in them, but for me, at that time, it was an impossible subject to bring up, and here are some of the reasons why it was so difficult...

From the beginning, when you find out you're positive, there is, all of a sudden, a sense of urgency and dispair that surrounds you. Society unknowingly chips away at people who are HIV+. They look at you as being ill, even if you feel fine. Doctors and friends of the family try to pressure you( in my case they pressured my mother) into taking all of the latest wonder drugs. When I was 15, I was approached with some of these ideas, and I decided I wouldn't get involved in any type of treatments. Aside from feeling tired once in awhile, I thought I was doing pretty good. The exhaustion may be more of a result of having Hepatitis B. And today I know I've made the right decisions. People couldn't fathom the thought of me being HIV+ and also being truly alive and well. All the media coverage and public service announcement scare tactics indirectly(?) attacked me and other HIV+ people. Anyone should be able to watch an episode of Matlock without having to sit through a commercial that tells you that you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving with HIV. There was always alot of bait out there, I just decided not to bite.

Since I put this page up I've met many HIV+ people who are asymptomatic, symptomatic, have full-blown AIDS, the whole spectrum... and I have learned more about myself through interacting with these people. I always believed myself to be indestructible, but I do have limitations. Fatigue, headaches... but it takes more than that to finish me off! Overall, I feel fine. I'm comfortable with my health. I deal with HIV in my own way, and that's what everyone should do. Make your own informed decisions, and do what feels right.

How I Feel

My health has always been good, or should I say tolerable? Whatever part HIV plays into my physical well-being, I could care less... Same goes for hepatitus B and hepatitus C.

I've had HepB since I was a kid.. I always forgot about it though, because hemophilia was around. Whenever I had a nosebleed I was reminded of hemophilia. With HepB there was nothing to associate it with, so why get my hose in a bind?

HepC is much of the same.. I added this to my impressive collection of viruses in 94.

Though with the addition of HepC, I have noticed an increase in my feeling of being fatigued. It's hard to say what causes this, which can be pesky. I'm in no hurry to be treated for this... I don't like to 'deal with things' like this, so I'm going to see what my nutritional options are. Modern medicine has had it's way with me (treatments led to all of my medical hurdles), so I'm sure anyone can understand my feelings of resentment and mistrust when the 'new wave' of wonderdrugs is brought up.

Blast to the past... around 1986, I had an operation on my nose, so nosebleeds became a far less frequent thing... That was probably the defining moment of my medically intriguing life. At that point I had become desensitized to seeing my own blood pour out of my nostrils, and when that was lifted off of me to a certain degree, I was very happy and relieved.

Well, in March of 94 I had an uncommonly severe nosebleed, and had to be treated with the same type of junk that led to my acquiring my most reknowned virus back in the 80's... From this one treatment I got HepC, so you have to wonder if the testing of blood products is another task that The 3 Stooges somehow found their way into. Makes ya think!

At first I was bummed out about yet another virus.. I was 18 at the time, fresh outta high school, all knowledged up (OK, I'm pushing it a bit!), and WHAM! I was caught napping with another sucker punch.

It took me one night to get over it. So it wasn't a big deal either... I thought to myself, "Wait a minute, I'm not even supposed to be here according to some people!", and with that I decided that I'd continue to not live up to peoples' expectations of me. (which, of course, is to drop dead at any given moment)

I plan on hanging around a little longer, and am glad that this year has lead me to doing this page, talking with strangers about HIV, and whatever else may come of it. It's all on the table! Thanks for reading and understanding me.