Whose Family Is This -- Ours or AIDS?

HIV doesn't belong to the gay community. I'm about as straight as they come, and I have it. It's time for everybody to stop treating this as a gay disease. I got it, so it can't be a gay disease. What we need to do is stop pointing fingers. We have to learn to help each other live.

Just A Regular Guy...

AIDS was a long way from Dyersburg, a town of 16,000 in west Tennessee.

I had heard of AIDS but figured it wasn't my problem.

I was just a regular guy -- straight, white, male. And I didn't do any drugs or needles.

About three years ago, I got scared because of some 'highs' and 'lows' I was going through. I went for help, and a psychiatrist told me I was manic/depressive. The doctor put me on Lithium.

Everything was okay for awhile. Then -- about the time my second son was born -- the roller-coaster started again. They raised my dose and added Elavil to the mix.

I began to have some problems at work. I operated cutting machinery, so you can imagine the trouble. Those red "Do Not Operate Machinery" stickers they put on prescriptions aren't kidding!

That winter, I checked myself into the "psych ward" at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Memphis. They did so many tests that I don't remember most of them.

They screwed up a spinal tap test. I was in pain for almost two weeks.

Valentines Day

The sign said something about "body fluids and blood products."

I asked the head nurse about the sign. She asked me what I thought it meant.

"I think it means I'm HIV-positive."

They confirmed my guess.

Then I had to do the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to.

I called Jane that day to break the news.

It was Valentines Day.

What a Valentines Day present.

We got the whole family tested -- Jane, our two daughters, and our son.

The kids are okay -- all three negative.

Jane has HIV. Like me.

Silver Lining?

You see, Lithium raises the white blood cell count within the body's system. My white blood cells and the virus were having a "war" in my head.

It turns out, I am not manic-depressive after all. It was the Lithium and the HIV fighting. It caused something called ARD -- AIDS Related Dementia.

Okay, so I have HIV and Dementia. But, hey, I'm not bipolar!

Coming Out

After awhile, we decided to "Come Out" with our situation. We stopped trying to keep it secret.

We were asked to leave our church eventually.

Our 12 year old daughter was slowly left out of social things her classmates had. These were kids she had known since kindergarten.

The other daughter was taken to her home in another county. We also lost all of our friends, some we had known for some years.

We lived in isolation for 2 1/2 years.

We were just waiting to die.

About a year ago, I almost did die. I had almost no t-cells, and I went from 210 pounds to 180 in less than a month.

A bone marrow biopsy showed "decimated histoplasmosis." I spent 9 days in the hospital.

Can you imagine a machinist from a little country town in Tennessee not only throwing around words like histoplasmosis but knowing what it means and being able to carry on a fairly intelligent conversation about it. I figure if my church and friends won't be there for me, I have to learn to keep our family tight and smart. We just had to learn to do it by ourselves, and getting smart about the virus is the best way to stay alive.

Jane

I went through months of guilt and self-depreciatory behavior.

Jane forgave me before I ever asked for it, and she keeps on forgiving.

Today

We found a church. They accepted us instead of asking us to leave.

I've learned so much.

One thing I learned is that those people who asked us to leave that church and who cut my daughter out of social events...

They aren't bad people. They just needed to be educated.

That's what I do now. I do presentations on AIDS at churches and schools all over this part of the country -- for anybody who will listen.

Doing those presentations is part of my healing process. I've even learned how to be a minority. At some AIDS workshops, Jane and I are the only "breeders" in the room!

It's a bit lonely here. Jane and I don't have anybody to talk to. I wish we knew of some other HIV+ heterosexual couples in our part of Tennessee. The HIV+ gays we know try, but it seems so different. Having AIDS is sometimes the only thing we have in common, and it isn't enough.

I have more growing to do. I guess that's why they call it living with HIV.

    -- Jesse