Hello everyone. My name is Darlene. I am a 49 yr-old heterosexual grandmother that is HIV+ for 8 1/2 years now. After infection, I felt very much like damaged goods and worthless.

I currently reside in Opelousas. Last March, I moved home after 25 years of living in Galveston, Texas. I was seen as a client at the University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston (UTMB) from the time of my infection mid October, 1989 until April 1996. For this I am so grateful!! UTMB is a teaching medical research center and the State AIDS hospital. I attended seminars on HIV/AIDS that the university offered every chance I got. I am a firm believer that Knowledge is Powerful. The physicians and their personal assistants were very helpful in educating me and answering all of my questions concerns about HIV/AIDS. I attended some of the seminars as a PWA and even spoke on some of their panels (right along with the docs -- geez) to put a face on the illness. Great learning experiences!

There are three very important survival skills that I apply to life so that I can survive living with HIV/AIDS. They are volunteering, support, and laughter.

I see volunteering as a survival skill because I, sincerely, believe that I would have died within two-years after diagnosis if I hadn’t started helping others. No if’s, and’s or but’s. I love it because I do get back more than I give. My whole goal in life now is to help others and in doing so I am helping myself in return. If I am able to help only one person, then all of my volunteerism is worth it!!!! You never know when something you do or say may help someone change their behavior when it comes risky behavior.

I have been asked on several occasions why do you go out to educate others about HIV/AIDS, help other PWA’s and their families. My answer is "I see my volunteering as my medicine. In order for me to live I MUST take my medicine as prescribed. When I help others it is as if I was injected with a special med and I am on a natural high for a couple days.

So every time I need a fix, I volunteer. It helps me to get out of myself and the disease. I feel so much better about myself. I have more confidence, self esteem, and self-worth than when I do not volunteer.

I am very much involved in volunteering in the AIDS ministry. I volunteered for AIDS Service Organizations in the Galveston and Houston areas. I held the following positions as volunteer: Speakers Bureau Chairperson, AIDS Educator, Executive Board Member as Secretary for over three years (client on the board -- cool ain't it), Support Group Facilitator, and the latest as President/CEO of a PWA Organization I helped get started. I am now involved with C.A.R.E.S as well as I am a State Consumer Advisory Council Representative for the HIV Community. However, my most cherished achievement is my "Unsung Hero Award" I received in 1993 for my AIDS volunteerism. I love to give to others because someone took time to give to me. Without the help of my peers and their family members and friends, I do believe I would not be alive today or totally bunkers.

Secondly, I see Laughter as a survival skill: When I was first diagnosed I found nothing funny at all about HIV/AIDS. The only bright spot I had was that one day I would finally be skinny. I got aggravated when someone would try to joke about it. How dare they laugh at this terrible disease or about anything was my thoughts.

However, that began to change when I attended my first AIDS retreat six months after I was diagnosed. I actually started seeing PWA’s laughing and having fun in spite for being positive. I didn’t understand how anyone could possibly be having fun and enjoying life when they had a disease that would some day kill them; but, I knew that I wanted to be able to laugh and enjoy life again just like they were. I heard that "laughter is like medicine to the soul" most of my life but at this retreat this phrase took on a new meaning. I needed to be able to take life with a grain of salt and enjoy it in spite of living with HIV.

I looked up laughter in the dictionary. It said that laughter is a rythmic sound indicating amusement - something funny.- comical. T’was a strange thing to even think about at first. HIV/AIDS is definitely nothing to laugh about or in the least bit comical. Yet as I began to lighten up, I realized that life in itself is truly comical. After all, think about it. When you were born people were happy and joyous at the mere thought of you being born. From there, family thought that every little thing you said or did was a form of amusement. They taught you that life is fun and enjoyable.

Okay - life has dealt many of us a lot of cherries - full of pits, rose bushes - full of thorns, and a bunch of lemons along the way. It is what we do with those things that helps us to live a life of joy in spite of all of the pitfalls and curves along this highway called life.

Looking back, I remember the first time I was truly able to laugh regarding being positive. I had gone to a dance club only a few weeks after my first AIDS retreat. A 60ish gentleman offered me a drink of his coke. When I told him "no thank you" he said, "it’s okay - I don’t have AIDS." I looked at him, smiled and said, "Jim, haven’t you heard, you can’t get AIDS that way. But I can tell you what I can get by drinking after you." He said. "pray tell what can that be?" I looked at him, smiled and said, "I can get "AGE" by drinking after you."

I remember another time when I attended my first AIDS Mastery Workshop in Houston 18 months after diagnosis. For the first one and a half years after I was diagnosed, I was the only female that attended my support groups, retreats, workshops, etc. I was in this particular workshop with 11 other male PWA’s. I felt so much love and warmth there. It was truly special. On the last day, I commented in front of a room full of men - most were gay - and said that I longed for the presence of a women to talk to. Then I said - "Oh, all right ladies, I know you all feel like a lady but I really would love to have a real woman to chat to. The whole room roared with laughter. At first, I was embarrassed I said what I said but the group was fantastic in accepting me. WOW. Since that time, I have laughed more, enjoyed life more than ever before.

I am so grateful that I finally learned that no matter what life may throw my way that unless I accept it, be grateful for it, and move forward I would die a slow mental and physical death.. So I am going to truthfully say that I am grateful that I am HIV+ and through it all, I am a much better person because of being HIV+. I am able to laugh, cry, and rejoice in all of the small victories that living with HIV gives me. When it deals me lemons I have learned to make lemonade and laugh in spite of the valleys. Finally, support is also a very important survival skill. I see Support as a vital HIV long-term survival skill. Without all of the support I have received, I sincerely believe I would not be here today - literally..

I dwelt in self pity for the first few months after I was diagnosed. I sat there on my pity pot until it could only do one thing - stink, stink, stink. It wasn’t until I took myself to my first HIV support group. At that meeting, I saw 14 guys that was infected - laughing, joking, and professing this great love for life in spite of being infected with something that would one day kill them. I heard that I have HIV/AIDS - AIDS does not have me.

I am the only one that is still alive from that meeting. However, I learned so much from them that their memory will always be etched in my heart. From one, I learned that "life is worth living". From another, I learned to "never settle for second best". From another, I learned "that knowledge is powerful". From another, I learned how "to be grateful for my family for accepting me and not spewing me out". From another, I learned "humility". >From another, I learned "how to ask for help". From another, I learned "the importance of spirituality". From another, I learned "how to laugh and enjoy life". From another, I learned the "true meaning of friendship". From another, I learned "how to ask my doctors the right questions about my illness". From another, I learned "how to become an AIDS activist". From another, I learned the true meaning of friendship’., From another, I learned the "importance of helping others". Another taught me "how to hold me head up high because I had nothing to be ashamed of". Another showed me how to die with dignity".

All of these taught me what life is all about. If I had not gone to that meeting, I would have never learned some of the most valuable lessons in life! For this I am so grateful.

Over the last eight and half years, I have made so many friends. Even though so many are now gone, my life has been enriched beyond words could ever be expressed. When I was alone someone held my hand; when I was crying someone wiped my tears away; when I had no food to eat I was fed; when I had no strength to put one foot in front of another someone got me a wheelchair and pushed where I need to go; when I was too sick to take care of myself someone was there to help me; when I got bad news from my doctor I learned that I wasn’t alone; I could go on and on. However, the greatest aspect of this is that none of these someones were family. They were people like you and me that was willing to give without expecting anything in return.

If someone had not been willing to help carry my load, be on my side, help me, put up with me, then I honestly believe would not be here today.

I would like to take this time to thank each and everyone that has gone on before me. Because they have, studies are being done, new meds are being made, and I have hope for a much brighter future.

I want to close by saying that "This disease may one day take this ole body of mine, but I’ll be damn if I ever allow it to take my spirit."

Thanks you and God Bless you all.