Being Alive; June 1997
Gary E. Costa

Ever since word leaked out that I was leaving, calls have been pouring in from friends, members and colleagues trying to find out what is going on. Was I sick? Did I have a falling out with the board? Am I taking a job with another organization? Is the organization going to shut down? The answer to all of these questions is NO!

I am pleased to report that I am very healthy. While I have a viral load of less than 5,000, I am just starting to explore my treatment options. I wish to stay drug-na ve as long as possible, so I doubt I will be starting a pill regimen any time soon. (Sorry, all of my friends who work for the drug companies. You still can't take credit for my long-term survival!) I must admit, however, that the positive outlook so prevalent in the community has had some affect on my own personal outlook. I am beginning to actually plan for the future, as if maybe some day an effective treatment will actually come along. I'm cautiously optimistic, you might say.

As for my relationship with the board, I have to say I have been very fortunate. I have worked long enough in the non-profit world to have experienced my share of "boards from hell." While this board was certainly not perfect, for the most part I had their full support during my term here. I suppose that I was not perfect either, so I guess it evened things out. The board's reputation for micro-managing and meddling pretty much ended while I was here, and we worked together through some very tough times. We learned a lot from each other, and I will always remember this experience as a time of tremendous growth for me personally and for the agency as well. I was very concerned earlier this year when the board had dwindled to only six members, but recent efforts to beef up the board have paid off and we now have some new members with fresh energy.

Ever since I announced my resignation, I have been contacted by numerous agencies and individuals who wanted to know if I would be interested in coming to work for them. While I am not eliminating the possibility of returning to social services as a career option in the future, I must take a break from aids in order to maintain my own physical and mental health. I have plans to return to school in the near future, but meantime I plan to travel the world with my wonderful partner Kevin and our two dogs, Barbra and Nikita, and get some well deserved rest.

I hope others who have worked as long or longer in the aids community will take my lead and consider taking a break as well. When most aids activists first entered this arena, we did so for one reason; we were angry that we were dying and nobody was going to fight for us. We entered the movement with the right intentions: to fight on the behalf of others who were too sick to do so for themselves, to overcome government bureaucracy and to demand answers and action. As I look around now, I see many of the same people involved in the fight; but now they seem to be fighting for their own interests. For their own careers. For their own paychecks.

What started out as a grass-roots volunteer movement to ensure that we all survive has turned into a multi-billion dollar industry. People who once wore ACT-UP t-shirts and protested in the streets for basic human rights are now wearing business attire and collecting disgustingly large paychecks from non-profit organizations and government agencies. It has become politically incorrect to acknowledge that aids is still primarily centered mostly in the gay male population, so we divide scarce funds according to who has the loudest voice and the best lobbyists. We are in denial that prevention efforts have failed miserably and continue to pretend that condoms are the answer. It is time for the old activists to step aside, and make room for fresh energy and new ideas. This changing epidemic is a whole new ball game and we need new players to step up to the plate.

As for the future of Being Alive, I must honestly say it is up to you, our members, supporters and friends to redefine its role. The organization cannot and must not be dependent upon one person or a small group of people in order to exist. This is a community organization that needs literally hundreds of volunteers and thousands of dollars to survive. It needs the perspective of people from all walks of life to maintain its credibility. It needs to respond to the needs of all people with hiv/aids, and not cater only to the whims of those in leadership positions.

While the needs and desires of some of us with hiv/aids are changing rapidly as a result of new treatment options, we must continue to work together to ensure that a whole system of care and support which took over 10 years to establish is not prematurely dismantled. Being Alive is at a crossroads right now, struggling with its own identity and purpose. We all know that aids continues to kill people every day, that people continue to seroconvert, and that the new drugs are effective for an uncertain number of people for an undetermined amount of time. As long as there are people alive who have been affected by hiv and aids, the need for peer support programs will exist, but it is up to you, the community, to decide if Being Alive will continue to exist and what role it will play to meet those needs.

It has been an extreme honor and privilege to serve as the Executive Director of such a unique organization. The support I received from the volunteers and staff was tremendous, and I can't thank you all enough. The friendships I developed during my term here have definitely changed my life forever and I shall never forget those who passed on way too soon. To the people in the community who believed in me and the organization, you have my sincere gratitude. Thank you all for this life-altering experience. Together we did make a difference.

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