Sunday Times (Johannesburg) - September 30, 2007

I thought it could be the result of my divorce, which happened that same year. Some doctors called it post- traumatic stress disorder, but was it really? Was it the result of the past three years of tumultuous married life, when I had to be strong for my two beautiful daughters?

I was treated for depression for two weeks.

My best friend thought I was "seeking attention"; my grandmother thought I was bewitched by one of my friends because of my success; and my sisters and brothers were quite worried, not knowing what was happening to me. My parents were also in the dark.

Even I wasn't sure any more, as I was getting weaker and weaker and felt like I was dying.

But then further blood tests revealed that I was HIV-positive and had meningitis. I was devastated but not surprised, and I was also relieved that at last it was discovered what was wrong in my body.

I couldn't know who, when and how I got to be positive. I went through denial and after getting out of hospital did four more tests, which all came out positive. I thought the gods and the world were conspiring against me.

I cried out: "Why now? Why me, Lord? What have I done to deserve this?" Even today, these questions sneak up in my mind when I'm down. Why me?

I've suffered loss in so many ways, I've lost friends, lovers, and some part of myself. The worst loss I feel is my possible absence when my daughters give birth to my grandchildren.

The virus is now my partner, though not my friend. What keeps me strong is that my blessings outweigh my loss.

The greatest gift I have is the support that my family and some of my friends give during the times that opportunistic infections prey upon me.

It looks like my virus partner likes my lungs better than any part of my body. But if my virus partner had eyes, I'm certain it would have gone for my face because I am definitely a looker with brains.

Another gift and blessing that I have is to be able to wake up, go to work and earn enough money to be able to take care of myself and my daughters.

When you look at me, you will not see the loss because I have come to terms with my condition and have decided to live a happy life, free from stress.

I will always express my feelings - likes, dislikes and especially feelings of love. Yet I approach life with more caution than before and am not reckless with my feelings and money.

I want my daughters as well as my sisters and brothers to remember me as a fun-loving person who never held a grudge for too long, even against the virus. I want to be remembered as someone who celebrated life and lived to the fullest with few regrets.

People who do not know about my virus partner think I have the world at my feet.

I can agree with them, to a point, but will always bear in mind that each one of us has a cross to bear on our shoulders. Our attitude in life will determine how we survive this life because nobody is perfect, after all, and we cannot have it all.

* Clinical psychologists Khumo Seopela and Kgamadi Kometsi offer HIV counselling free of charge every Saturday morning. Counselling is offered between 9am and noon at 4 Biermann Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg.

To book, fax (011) 280-5151 or e-mail counselling@ sundaytimes.co.za. Bookings are taken on a first-come, first- served basis. The sessions will take place in private.
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