Sunday Times (Johannesburg) - August 5, 2007

She was a divorcee, had two kids from her failed marriage and was a hard worker. I loved her and her two beautiful daughters. She still had a good relationship with their father and, especially, with her ex-mother-in- law. I couldn't understand it when she involved her ex-mother-in-law in our relationship.

I knew I was HIV-negative as I used to test regularly in Johannesburg before moving to KwaZulu-Natal. My girlfriend didn't know her status and wasn't ready for us to both be tested.

We agreed that we would be faithful and use condoms as much as possible. But she didn't actually like condoms and we seldom made love.

She fell pregnant eight months after we started living together. A few months before she went into labour, the doctor informed her that she was HIV-positive and would have to take Nevirapine.

Although she cried at first, she took the challenge bravely for the sake of the baby. I told her that I would always love and support her.

When I finally tested, I was negative. We were both happy and that seemed to make us stronger.

But with the baby's birth came more ups and downs in the relationship. She became more controlling and jealous, we argued daily, she spent less time with me. The situation got out of control when I was informed that she was seeing someone else.

Later her niece, who lived with us, told me that on one occasion my fiancee had spent time with another man while they were "visiting her family" in another town.

The baby was born in April 2005 at Port Shepstone Hospital and I was happy to see him the morning he was born. He is still doing fine, although I haven't seen him for more than a year now. He is mine; the paternity test confirmed it. The mother and I finally broke up before he turned one. I moved out of the house.

Not long afterwards, I went back to Ekurhuleni, Gauteng. I thought I needed to be back home to sort my life out and help grow my mother and brother's company.

I enjoy the support I get from my family.

However, late last year my sister began to lose a lot of weight. She had just been employed as a cop and we were all concerned about her health. She drank heavily and would come and cause trouble, insulting my parents.

One day she complained of severe chest pain. My brother took her to OR Tambo Hospital in Boksburg, where she was put on a drip. The doctors couldn't identify her ailment. She was discharged from hospital but she still complained of the chest pain.

I suggested that she go for an HIV test. She resisted in the beginning but because of the family's support and that of our neighbour, who is also HIV- positive, she finally agreed.

My sister tested positive and was found to have TB.

In the beginning my sister was very negative about the counselling and treatment at Helen Joseph. But I think due to her interaction with other HIV-positive patients and the support of our HIV-positve neighbour, she began to be positive. She began following the recommended diet.

I told her that being HIV-positive does not mean the end of the world. I told her of my university friend who, when he discovered that he was HIV- positive, had a CD4 count below 100. A doctor put him on ARVs and he began exercising, living a positive life and avoided alcohol. He is still alive, with a good job as a production manager for a successful company.

My sister hasn't lost hope. One thing of concern, though, is the way she sometimes abuses the support she is getting at home. For instance, when my mother brings home reading material on HIV she refuses to read it, sometimes throwing it in the bin, saying nasty things such as "I'm not dying yet. I know I have HIV therefore I don't need to read about it" and "Maybe you people can't wait to see me dead."

Anyway, with more people and families getting infected and affected by HIV/Aids in our communities, my mother, with the support of other women neighbours, saw the need for a community-based support organisation. It would deal with how to handle disclosure and stigma, and the challenges that come with caring for and supporting an HIV-infected person.

The mothers, with me as the only male office bearer, formed the Friends of Infected and Affected community project in June. We support government programmes on HIV/Aids and provide a platform for community members to share their views on how to combat the spread of the virus.

Instead of families feeling ashamed of having a member who is HIV-positive, our communities are empowered when we learn from each other's experiences in the fight against our worst enemy, HIV/Aids.

Friends of Infected and Affected is based in Vosloorus. Phone 011-863-1901.

# Clinical psychologists Khumo Seopela and Kgamadi Kometsi offer free, private HIV counselling on Saturdays between 9am and noon at 4 Biermann Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg. Bookings are on a first-come, first-served basis. To book, please fax 011-280-5151, or e-mail counselling@sundaytimes.co.za.

# Everyone Knows Someone is a Sunday Times campaign to encourage people to know their HIV status, and is aimed at destigmatising the infection.

We would like to publish the personal experiences (and, where the writer feels comfortable, photos) of people in South Africa living with HIV or caring for loved ones with the virus.

E-mail your story to: everyoneknows@sundaytimes.co.za or fax it to 011-280- 5151.

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