Sunday Times (Johannesburg) - July 30, 2006

THE tears came running down my cheeks while reading "When your partner is HIV-positive" by Anonymous on page 35 last week.

I realised that I am not the only one who has been involved with someone who is HIV positive and I hope that writing about my experience will help me on the painful healing journey that I am going through right now.

I still remember clearly the day I met Zakhele. It was on December 30 2004 while I was at home in Durban for the holidays. There he was, a handsome and reserved 20-year-old guy who only spoke when spoken to.

We spent the following week together, only going home to change clothing, and I was convinced he was the one despite a 10-year age gap between us.

On the last night before I was about to leave for Johannesburg, I answered his cellphone.

It was a call from his previous partner inquiring about his whereabouts. I received the earth-shattering news that he was infected with HIV. Everything fell into place as to why he did not want to have penetrative sex with me, his gay lover.

He would insist that condoms were not available at the local garage. I found out that he had known about his HIV status since October 2004 after he was injured in a car accident.

Despite receiving news about his status and the risks involved, the next day I decided to take him to Johannesburg to start a new life together because at that point he had nothing. He had a broken family, an alcoholic father undergoing TB treatment, a mother and an abusive stepfather - a home run by a grandmother who is a pensioner. He had failed matric and was unemployed.

When we arrived in Johannesburg my only thought was my HIV status. I remember calling the doctor on a Sunday evening to make an appointment - only to be diverted to an emergency line. I was panicking and sweating like hell, thinking, "What will I do if I have HIV? What about my career, my job, my family? How will my friends take it?"

I went for an HIV test the next day and did another one last year in August after the window period had lapsed. I couldn't bring myself to tell him about the test results due to the strain the relationship has been under last year. Up to this day he is not aware of my test results and status.

Everything was perfect in the first three months of the relationship and I found him a job with one of my company's external contractors as a catering assistant.

The adjustment for Zakhele to living a normal life was difficult as he was used to hustling on the streets. What he knew about life was all about trying to survive and worrying about where his next plate of food would come from.

He did not have anything, I mean zilch, and there I was trying to normalise him, introducing new friends, shopping for clothes, buying groceries together and teaching him how to live life to the fullest and enjoy the finer things.

But in the following months life went from bad to worse as we constantly argued about petty things. He tried to commit suicide twice and once threatened to reveal my sexual orientation to those close to me.

We overcame that through informal discussions with a good friend who is a professional counsellor. Introducing him to church was the best psychological therapy I could give him, and I saw how he was positively transformed from being reserved to being open and forming friendships.

We were extra cautious when having sex but then the frequency suddenly dropped. At first I thought it was work-related stress, as it was his first time being employed and earning a salary. Then it became even less frequent and when I raised the issue he would say that he didn't know what the problem was, but that he had lost interest in having sex with me.

That put a heavy strain on the relationship, but it was only in April this year that I decided to give him the ultimatum that we sort things out or break up.

It will be two months on July 27 since we broke up and he moved out.

Now I realise how difficult it is to have a relationship with an HIV-positive person and I treasure every moment I shared with Zakhele. During the 15 months I lived with him I learned to face my own fears and not to stereotype people with HIV. I am now armed with all the information I need.

I bought both Adam Levin and Judge Edwin Cameron's books to try to get into the mind of a gay person living with HIV. This is the first time I have shared this experience. Not even my best friend knows about my ex-partner's status nor do Zakhele's mother or his sister who call me regularly.

I salute all South Africans who are in relationships with HIV-positive people. I know our society will eventually embrace, and not discriminate, against them.

I urge all gay people out there to share their stories and educate the public that we as gay people are faced with similar issues as everybody else when it comes to HIV/Aids. The more voices we have, the more impact we will have in reducing the infection rate.

* I also wish to remain anonymous because my family and colleagues do not know that I am gay, and I want to respect Zakhele's privacy and that of his family.

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