Sunday Times (Johannesburg) - May 14, 2006
Celean Jacobson

I wrestled for months over whether or not I'd publish it. But I realised here was an opportunity to make a difference at a crucial time and even though I am usually quite selfish.

How long did it take to complete?

About a year and a half. Writing this book was easy compared to my first two books. But the publication was the hardest and so was the fallout afterwards, in terms of having to live with having exposed something so personal.

What was the most challenging part of the process?

After the book was published issues came up - like my promiscuity - and I became the fall guy in that I 'fessed up to something that is quite taboo. Some people were so shocked by it. Meanwhile, compared with what's going on and what continues to go on, it was nothing.

One of my concerns is when people come up and say 'I loved your book' as if I haven't written two other books and loads and loads of journalism over the years.

Also, one reads Anais Nin or VS Naipaul and never considers the implications for their friends. It just made me realise that after they published their memoirs, their families and friends knew how twisted they were and then still had to live with them.

How did you handle this?

I chose three people who I thought were crucial to me and I wanted them to look at it. But I never censored stuff. I think the book is a great tribute to my parents' love and dedication but, at the same time, it has been tough for them.

How does your book illuminate truthfulness and fly in the face of power - the criteria of the Alan Paton Awards?

I make no qualms about the responsibility of government in the scale of the pandemic and not only the government. I think conditioning is as much to blame as access to drugs because there are people who do have access to drugs now, but who still die.

I talk about denial, shame, the whole area of sexuality and all its complications. This is unfashionable, yet they are a truth and I confronted them boldly. There was no point in writing the book if it wasn't going to be truthful and that took courage. The horrific context gave me the balls to do that.

Where do you write?

I wrote that book in bed. I couldn't get out I was so ill. Now I write at a desk. Around 4 or 5am is my crispest time.

What lessons have you learnt from writing this book?

I thought I was going to die and this led me on a whole journey of questioning my lifestyle. My objective was to eliminate some of what was leading me to an emotional death but not lose my edge and not come out as a kind of Oprah-esque survivor after a 12-step programme and say I am so square. I am not. I am still a punk.

Which writers do you most admire?

I started as a travel writer, so people like Bruce Chatwin and VS Naipaul and Paul Theroux. I always read non-fiction and a little fiction. I just read Gabriel Garcia Marquez's new book which I adored.

I think the publication of Edwin Cameron's book and Liz McGregor's book on [YFM DJ] Khabzela complimented each other at a time when there was no Aids literature.

Are you working on other books?

I am working on a book on the history of dress in this country and particularly the revolution in SA fashion in the last decade, and on a synopsis for a film based on this memoir.

How do you stop a book like this from being sentimental and mawkish?

And self-indulgent. By being self-deprecating. I am not sentimental and I abhor soppiness. I wanted to find humour in all of it, to be irreverent. It was so necessary. And ultimately so liberating. I knew the whole process was about taking responsibility.

How has writing this book affected you?

No matter how exposed you feel it is a great honour to say something at this time when it is so needed.

This book has totally transformed me. I now speak to everything from workers groups to clinics to corporate Aids programmes and it has put me in touch with a whole lot of people and I don't feel alone.

What do you think of the state of non-fiction writing in South Africa?

We have to be careful to remain free and independent voices in this country and not to become sycophantic about the way we are governed and people in power.

On the other hand we have got so much to explore and I think non-fiction is doing a pretty good job of exploring so many facets. There was a period of post-apartheid literature that was within a certain mould and now we have to look for broader subject matter.

What stories still need to be written?

Aids is still very key. This was my story, but I don't think the bigger picture has been explored; the roots of why the pandemic is at this scale and I think that is the most obvious story.

We also need to ask why this so-called miracle nation proved so little of a miracle? We need to explore that and we need to hold people accountable.

*AidSafari is published by Zebra Press, R129.95

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