Important note: Information in this article was accurate in 2004. The state of the art may have changed since the publication date.
Sunday Times (Johannesburg) - November 21, 2004
Riana Jacobs, Johannesburg
My nightmare started in 1998. I lost weight, had dark rings around my eyes. I was constantly exhausted, with plenty of mouth ulcers. I thought it was stress-related, starting with my first permanent job after matric. My doctor did every test imaginable, except an HIV test.
My doctor eventually referred me to a gynaecologist in September 2000. My mother and I went to the gynaecologist. He asked me all sorts of awkward questions in front of my mother. I had no choice but to answer as honestly as possible.
He did a barrage of tests, one of which was an HIV test.
The next Saturday I went back for my results. The gynaecologist did not want my mother to be present. At that very moment I had a nauseating feeling in my stomach. Before the doctor said a word I knew it was HIV.
Anthony (not his real name) and I met in 1996. He was older than me by 20 years. We dated for a year and split up during 1997.
In March 1998, he pursued me again, promising me he had changed. My stupidity and lust got the better of me. I gave in to his charm.
I had shown no symptoms until three months after we got back together in 1998.
When I received my first results, the gynaecologist insisted on a second test. When I left the consultation room, I was beside myself. My mother asked what the verdict was. I had no choice but to lie to her.
Back home I immediately phoned Anthony. He sounded devastated. I'm not sure if that was an act or if it was real.
I was filled with fear, anger, resentment, but most of all hatred towards myself. How could I have been so stupid? How could I ever trust a man again? Instantly I lost my faith in God.
Things deteriorated between Anthony and me. I blamed him all the time. (Anthony and I are no longer involved).
Since discovering my status, each year I have taken one more member of my family into my confidence. Although I did it one by one, each occasion proved to be a difficult encounter.
Breaking the news to my parents was the hardest of all. I expected my dad to react the worst. However, he accepted the news without question and loved me unconditionally. My mother was very emotional.
This year will be the fourth living with my status.
Finding peace has been my biggest gift this year. I am now able to live with the reality of dying; dying of an illness whose stigma is so huge. I prayed every day for guidance, peace, faith, strength.
What has made inner peace possible? I received the most remarkable gift of all - the gift of eternal forgiveness.
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