San Francisco Chronicle - Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Jon Carroll

OK, not google. But the pope did say that he or his aides had not run an Internet search on Bishop Richard Williamson, the man who believes that, OK, maybe the Nazis did murder a few hundred thousand Jews, but none were gassed and the whole thing has been blown way out of proportion.

Jerk.

So, after having apparently put out that fire, the pope got on a plane to Africa, where during an interview, he opined that condoms were not the answer to the HIV and AIDS epidemic that is sweeping the continent and, indeed, they may make the problem worse.

It is the Roman Catholic Church's position that abstinence is the only acceptable form of birth control for unmarried people. The idea (and here I paraphrase) is that because life is sacred, even a striving little sperm seeking out a willing egg and encountering a latex barrier represents a grave sin. I think that's it; I'm no theologian, and I might be just a little upset right now.

Now, many Catholics do not accept that particular chunk of dogma, and it has even been argued persuasively by some of them that these medieval remnants in Catholic teaching discredit the church and hurt its credibility. Still, the pope believes it, and he thinks that mentioning that particular opinion while flying to Africa is just a swell idea.

Much has been made in the past decade about the schism between science and religion. My personal view is that scientific rigor and spiritual beliefs are not irreconcilable and that indeed sometimes one can reinforce the other in surprising and heartening ways. (The Dalai Lama is all over this, but of course he would be.) Charles Darwin was a believing Christian; he struggled at times, but he never lost his faith either in God or in evolution.

But sometimes these things just descend into madness. On the issue of abortion, for instance, I have an opinion, but I entirely respect the views of the people on the other side. It's a thorny moral question, and one that is worth both debating and contemplating.

But contraception? Come on. Next you'll be saying that if I have lust in my heart and don't act on it, I'm committing murder. Besides, this is not an academic dispute to be resolved in the solemn councils of higher orthodoxy - this is life and death. This is about the passing of a virus through unprotected sex. This is a human being withering and dying. There's not a dispute about this anymore - HIV is a sexually transmitted virus. Block the transmission, block the virus. It seems silly even to be typing those words.

Granted, abstinence is also an extremely effective disease-prevention strategy. I support it; everyone supports it. But just in case a human being gives in to the most powerful of human urges, the one put there by nature to ensure the continuation of the species (birds do it, bees do it ...), just in case, wouldn't it be great to have a fallback plan so that people don't, you know, die because they went looking for love on a Saturday night?

And that fallback plan exists. It's cheap, it's safe, it's easy to understand. I think priests should be handing out condoms in the confessional. Isn't the Vatican interested in its parishioners staying alive? Get them clean water, cheap antibiotics and condoms; watch the continent thrive. Heck, watch the religion thrive.

I guess the reductio ad absurdum of dogmas trumps all that. Maybe the pope should read the Internet more. Search Google for "condom" and follow the links. He seems so cut off, doesn't he? He was apparently bewildered that his pardoning of an unrepentant Holocaust denier would get people all upset. I think maybe he's getting bad advice. I think some of that advice is coming from the 10th century.

And probably when he said condoms might be "making the problem worse," flying 30,000 feet above the ground in Pope Force One, he may have been living in a celestial realm just a little too far above earth. The Roman Catholic Church does and has always done heartwarming and useful charitable work and attracted the most idealistic and dedicated of people; too bad it can't avoid making so many of its followers cringe every month or so.

It's not just HIV, of course; there's a whole constellation of diseases that wearing condoms can protect against. It's like a miracle drug.

I met her on my first day in Paris. She'd been part of a scheme to raise giant squid in the sewers. In the next few months, I rescued her from Comte de Terracciano's "ultimate endgame" chess set, the unsettlingly large, acidic snails of Professor Yungbluth, and jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.
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