San Francisco Chronicle - Sunday, June 4, 2006
Meredith May, Chronicle Staff Writer, mmay@sfchronicle.com

"I sing for two."

For each man standing, one chorus member has died of AIDS.

A quarter-century into the epidemic, the list of the dead is longer than the living: there are 210 singers and 257 obituaries.

As AIDS devastated San Francisco, the Gay Men's Chorus suffered some of the city's largest group casualties.

"If AIDS never happened, we'd be two or three choruses by now," said Bob Emery, 77, who is among the four active members left from the original 1978 roster and has been living with HIV for 26 years.

Today, the development of new medicines that make it possible for AIDS patients to live relatively normal lives has brought new hope to the brigade of men who make up the chorus. Now, only a couple of its members die of the disease each year.

Yet, the sorrow will never leave their souls.

The stories of loss and grief are painful and told through tears. Longtime chorus members speak of weekly memorials, of planning their own funerals and of watching dozens of friends wither to skeletons in an atmosphere of national indifference.

At every rehearsal during the 1980s and early 1990s, there were announcements about who was in which hospital room and when the next memorial was scheduled.

"I could see all these people dropping all around me, and there was no official response from any health department at any level," said Tony McIntosh, who joined the chorus in 1985 and lost 25 friends to AIDS. "It was maddening. The chorus gave us an outlet for all that anger and relief from the feeling that nobody in the world seemed to care."

Singing became survival.

It marked a stark shift in mood from the early days of the chorus.

Celebrating life -- gay life in particular -- is what brought the Gay Men's Chorus together during the budding gay rights movement in the late '70s, set into motion in the Castro neighborhood by gay San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk. In 1981, the all-volunteer chorus went on a nine-city national tour as the world's first gay chorus, moving their audiences to tears with compositions such as "We Kiss in a Shadow" from "The King and I," or "Behold Man," an a cappella piece composed in 1961 by composer Ron Nelson.

As AIDS took its toll, the chorus members used their concerts as a forum to bring a sense of urgency about the epidemic to the public. Their music became more somber, and they began adding AIDS requiems to their programs. The chorus also became the only place for the members to talk openly about HIV and AIDS. The men shared tips on how to get into clinical drug trials and serenaded friends through their last breaths.

For men who were fighting for their lives alone, estranged from parents who had turned their backs on their gay children, the chorus became family.

Everyone found his own way to cope with grief.

"I just stopped singing at memorial services, because if I had to go to one more I was going to have a nervous breakdown," said Joe Castrovinci, 58, who joined the chorus in 1979.

Instead, Castrovinci became a hospice volunteer, running errands, bringing food and walking dogs for AIDS patients. He was kept busy for the next 15 years.

With the advent of new treatments, AIDS is no longer a death sentence. The Gay Men's Chorus is climbing out of its grief, and for the first time, the group has the luxury of thinking about life.

"When I came in 2000, there was an underlying sadness," said conductor Kathleen McGuire. "During the AIDS years, the chorus was looking inward just to survive. When people started living again, they wanted to move on, but they were scared. They didn't tell me this. I had to figure it out one conversation at a time."

The chorus still sings about AIDS, but not as often. Slowly, the men are learning how to laugh again.

Leading up to the millennium, they recorded a CD of ABBA disco songs, and in early 2004, members entertained the thousands of gay couples who lined up outside City Hall to get married.

The men of the chorus recently started performing for schoolchildren, and they are rehearsing for the opening ceremonies of the Gay Games in Chicago in July.

The chorus now has a staff of seven, supported by grants and donations. Ticket proceeds help pay for travel, recording and marketing, and they allow the chorus to raise money for AIDS organizations in cities with smaller gay networks.

"We're starting to go to less-gay places like Modesto and perform now," said 21-year member Tom Burtch, keeper of the "Fifth Section," a list of every chorus member who has died. The chorus publishes the list in every concert program.

In February, Burtch added the latest AIDS victim to the list, 48-year-old Robert Frey of San Francisco.

Not long after, Burtch overheard one of the new chorus members in his twenties whisper to another during rehearsal that he's never known anybody with AIDS or HIV.

"It's mind-blowing that we're in the same room with youngsters who have no idea of what we've been through," Burtch said, "I went over to the guy and introduced myself."

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The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus will perform next at the Lincoln Center in Yountville at 7 p.m. on June 17. The concert is a fundraiser for AIDS organizations that serve farmworkers. For more information, call (415) 865-3650 or visit www.sfgmc.org <http://www.sfgmc.org>.
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