San Francisco Chronicle - May 8, 2005
Neva Chonin

First, the festive. Happy Mother's Day to my Lithuanian mama, who survived Hitler, Stalin, my father and me. She now lives in a swanky Washington state retirement community, where she reads newspapers in three languages and mutters darkly about the Republicans and Opus Dei. Back in my punk-rock days, she denied that I was her daughter. Was it the chains? The pink hair? Maybe.

Sometimes she still denies her parenthood. There are so many Chonins running around Washington, after all. As in, oh, one or two. Why must people persist in mistaking her for the mother of a rude columnist, when in fact we've NEVER EVEN MET? Heh. Mama, you're outed. Enjoy the flowers (did they arrive?) and thank God I won't be turning up for brunch. I just dyed my hair again, by the way. It's the color of congealed blood. You'd love it.

Right. Enough sentimentality. Back to revenge. As the outpouring of mail following my recent column on hate demonstrated, we are angry people. We should be. Not only does the universe humiliate us, disconnect our cable and lose our mail, it now expects to be tipped for it -- hence our hatred. As Obi-Wan Kenobi might say, we have given in to our rage and been seduced by the dark side. Bully for us. So now that we're so mad, there's only one path left to us: revenge. Lots of it.

But how to exact payback from an uncaring world without ending up in a maximum-security prison? We could grab our plastic, glow-in-the-dark light sabers and destroy a Jedi temple, but that would require resources and a depth of geekery I'm not sure we possess. Instead, I suggest we take out the annoyances one by one, using stealth and strategy. And noise. Lots of it.

Noise is not usually our friend; it's more often an instrument of torture wielded by neighbors who smoke on their balconies at 3 a.m. while holding drunken conversations. The ones who chain their dog in the yard all day while the animal howls. The ones who mistake one's tranquil Noe Valley hood for frat row. But we must appropriate the power of sound, compa±eros, and I've found just the way to do it: the Revenge CD. This delightful collection includes such sound effects as an electric drill, a party (with at least 200 people, a brain-melting orgasm, a child playing a drum, a woman walking across a hardwood floor in high heels, a domestic squabble, a newborn baby, a violin playing scales and more, more, more.

NYU Professor Tom Meyvis told the New York Post that proper technique enhances the Revenge CD's efficacy. "I find that if you use it and play it (constantly), people will get used to the noise. But if you play it loud, then take a short break, then play it again, then break, people can't handle it. It becomes unbearable."

Oh, yeah. Unbearable's the ticket. Lest we become victims of our own malice, the 20-track CD (available at store.yahoo.com/wishingfish1/revengecd. html) comes with earplugs. Just insert the CD, aim the speakers, crank up the volume, hit repeat and go read a book. When neighbors begin bleeding from their ears, consider negotiating a cease-fire.

Now. What to do about those people who don't signal a left turn until they're in the intersection? Road rage is not an option. Get creative, mah peeps.

Department of Justice: This isn't about revenge, but righteousness. Hats off to brave and sensible Brazil, which last week rejected $40 million of the Bush administration's faith-based AIDS-relief funding. The money came with conditions that included restrictions on abortion, promoting witless abstinence programs over birth control and sex education, and a simplistic condemnation of prostitution instead of programs promoting safe sex among sex workers.

"Brazil has taken this decision in order to preserve its autonomy on issues related to national policies on HIV/AIDS as well as ethical and human rights principles," Pedro Chequer, the director of Brazil's HIV/AIDS program, told Britain's Guardian. It's satisfying to see a poorer country than the United States standing up for itself and saying no to bullying. Doesn't happen often enough. We should take a tip from Brazil and start standing up to those idiots who take more than 15 items to the express checkout. We do that, and the world becomes immeasurably better, man.

Share your best revenge fantasies with Neva at nchonin@sfchronicle.com.

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