San Francisco Chronicle - Sunday, October 20, 2002
Adair Lara, Chronicle Staff Writer

"I hate the part where I have to take off my clothes," says one. "I know I don't look as good as I used to."

"I don't either, Lord knows," says the other. "Lucky for us they don't see as well as they used to."

"It can be a lot of work, if you know what I mean," says the first. "They expect you to get them going."

"There are penile implants," her friend says, and the other nods. "Those do work."

Is this "Sex and the City," with Carrie and Miranda in their Manolo Blahniks and floaty tulle skirts getting together to rehash their sex lives?

Close. It's a Mill Valley restaurant where Arlene Davis, 65, and her lanky friend Evelyn Trainer, 70, in comfortable clothes and tennis shoes, analyze their own dating scene: that of the suburban over-60 crowd. Davis is widowed and Trainer divorced, and both are interested in meeting men.

Their issues include those facing any singles, from where to meet people to who pays and how soon to fall into bed and whether or not to tie the knot. But they include issues unique to them, from what the children think to worries that their new love will die on them.

One person in 10 in this country is now older than 65, and many face old age alone. More than 70,000 single adults older than 60 have posted profiles on Match.com, which has recently begun a site called Senior.Match.Com, tailored for older adults and easy to use.

Churches, synagogues, sports, volunteer activities bring people together the sure, but slow, way. Davis chose a personal ad in the Pacific Sun. Over the years she has met lots of men through her ad, which reads "Attractive widow, 61, seeking life companion."

"But you're 65," her friend points out.

"Everybody lies about their age," Davis says. She is slender with curly hair and a forthright manner. "I don't want to be discounted before I've even been met."

"Men lie, too," Trainer says. "They know women don't like old men who are probably winding down sexually and who could become incapacitated. You could be stuck at the bedside instead of in it."

Davis and Trainer have often met new partners at over-40 dances.

"Ours was the dance generation. Everyone could dance, and we went to dances all the time," says Trainer.

Now though, there are 10 women for every man at these gatherings, "so unfortunately most of the gals spend the evening holding up the wall, and only the aggressive ones get to dance," she says.

Davis counts herself among these. "I always ask the men to dance," she says.

"I don't like to sit. I've worked too hard not to have fun now."

Women, who usually handled the social calendar back when they were married, can more easily resume dating than men. But it evens out. Even the most lackluster man finds himself a treasured commodity in this dating scene.

"Men who never had the opportunity to feel special before in their lives can feel special just for having survived," says Myrna Lewis, co-author with Robert N. Butler of the popular book "The New Love and Sex After Sixty" (Ballantine). The recently widowed man may find a brigade of women on his doorstep, eager to console him with a home-cooked meal or, these days, a lesson in how to get online.

Davis and Trainer say dating men their age has pluses and minuses. Older men can be courtly and have good manners, "but they are also used to making decisions," says Davis. One of Davis' dates made a reservation at a Russian restaurant with a limited menu without finding out what kind of food she liked.

On another date, the man glanced at the menu and said grandly, "We'll have the Peking duck," without asking her what she wanted.

But when Davis, after making her date a long series of home-cooked meals, asked him to pick up the dinner check, he suggested they split an entree. "In our day men paid for everything, just for the delight of your company," says Trainer, sighing.

Jim Lyle, a handsome 70-year-old bachelor in Lakeport, defends men's dating style.

"With my spartan budget, splitting checks is a must," he says. "I recently had a daylong date with a retired woman from out of town. She was interested in poetry readings, rock hunting and art, all bell-ringers for my interests. We started the day with breakfast (at my expense). Then we went to Copia in Napa, where I paid to enter, and for lunch. Next we went to the Napa Valley Art Museum (I paid the admission). Next, we went to the rock beds of the Russian River, where we found some jade, and finished the day with a meal at one of the mini-breweries before attending a poetry reading. Between meals, admissions and gas, I spent, in one day, over one-tenth of my monthly Social Security check. I did not ask for her to pay, nor did she mention sex. She did call and thank me for the nice day, though."

"The man may not have many interests, after 30 years with PG&E and a long marriage to one woman," Trainer says.

They are dismayed, she maintains, when a woman wants to talk about her children, and surprised when she wants to talk about politics.

"I want to explore ideas," Davis says, wistfully.

"Wait until the third date," counsels Trainer.

She adds: "Most women complain that the man talks about himself all the time and never inquires about the woman's interest. But weren't we all taught these moves long ago? Always flatter the gentleman, be jolly and noncritical, and you'll probably get another date, if you want one."

Often older adults do want another date, because they seek love and intimacy.

Many hope that will include, as Davis said in her ad, "indoor adventures."

According to the National Center on Longevity, 39 percent of seniors would like more sex than they're getting, and most men can still perform just fine, especially if their partner is patient. And Viagra? "A boon to older couples," says Lewis.

"People laugh about Viagra," Lyle says, "but I never had 'performance' problems until I started taking blood pressure medications. Then I did. Then Viagra became available (now, even through the Veterans Administration). No more problem other than the anticipation of preplanning as to when you take the pill. It does work, there is nothing strange, and I find nothing demeaning about taking one medicine to counter the side effects of another."

The women say they want cuddling and closeness. "Touching people is important," says Davis.

This crowd is not used to taking precautions or swapping sexual histories, but, according to Lewis, rates of HIV are rising for people older than 60.

"All of us in this field recommend anybody who starts dating again be thoughtful about HIV," Lewis says. "We've known women in their 80s who've gotten HIV from sexual contact. Women think, 'I don't have anything to worry about, because he was married all those years,' but who knows what he was up to?"

Sometimes, older people entering new relationships are not eager to share their new joy with their children. Davis brings her cell phone with her when she stays with a boyfriend, in case her daughter calls. The kids can be judgmental or hostile to a new love interest out of fear of being disinherited ("the will watchers," Lewis calls them).

Or, in the case of the frail elderly, they can worry about their parents being taken advantage of by more sophisticated or predatory partners.

Like many older people, Davis and Trainer are financially independent, own their own homes and do not see marriage as a goal. It would be a headache to work out new wills, new beneficiaries.

"Women can be ambivalent about remarrying, especially if they've been the caretaker for their dying husband," Lewis says. "A number of widows say, 'Never again!' at the thought of seeing another person through their dying days. Increasingly what we will see are two independent adults who simply live together, keeping their financial lives separate."

"I'm not looking for support," Davis says. "I love running my own life. I'm just looking for a solid emotional connection."

Chances are good she will find it. Both women have friends in close and satisfying relationships. Davis has, in fact, a date that very night, with a man who has already sent a bouquet of roses.

E-mail Adair Lara at alara@sfchronicle.com.

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