The New York Times - November 10, 1986
James Barron

In part, the experts say, this happens because parents often assume that school sex-education classes teach children everything they need to know. Yet the experts maintain that the parents' role in helping a child make sense of sex has never been more important, especially as families try to understand AIDS, which Federal health officials say has killed about 15,000 Americans.

"No school, no matter how good, can do anything but impart information," said Dr. Mary S. Calderone, an adjunct professor at New York University and a founder of the Sex Information and Education Council of the United States. "And information is not enough."

What parent-child communication can provide, Dr. Calderone and other family-life specialists say, is a context. "Sex education is not so much giving facts as giving values, getting a clear discussion going and making views known in a supportive rather than confrontational way," said Steven Bignell of ETR Associates, a California company that prepares family-life textbooks.

Support From Surgeon General

This philosophy has the approval of Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, who said late last month that the best way to stop misconceptions about AIDS (acquired immune deficiency syndrome), is to include lessons about the disease "at the lowest grade possible." Dr. Koop said parents should cover the same ground at home.

Dr. Calderone agreed, saying that early parent-child conversations provide "the best protection against AIDS." By the time a child reaches sexual maturity, she said, the parent can share in "private, honest communication" such questions as how AIDS is transmitted. Experts say that in the United States, the AIDS virus is spread principally through anal intercourse and the sharing of needles by drug addicts. Family-life experts say that explaining this can lead parents and children to other questions. These can include why many people limit the number of partners they have sex with and whether condoms provide protection.

Some researchers have found that increased parent-child communication reduces unplanned pregnancies if parents discuss birth control. But family-life experts caution that such results occur only if the communication begins early.

Naming 'Every Body Part'

"This is fundamental," Dr. Calderone said. "The child is born expecting an awful lot of things. One is a sense of self. You have to begin by 6 months old by giving the correct names for every body part. Parents say, 'I couldn't - I'd be embarrassed.' That's their child's hard luck." But for many parents, sex is hard to talk about. In a 1978 Harvard University study, some 75 percent of the mothers and 50 percent of the fathers said they had talked about pregnancy. But only 15 percent of the mothers and 8 percent of the fathers had provided information about sexual intercourse, and even fewer parents had discussed contraception or sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS.

When communication does occur, according to research by Greer Litton Fox, a family-life specialist at the University of Tennessee, it is almost always between mother and child. A 1980 report, based on a long-term study of families in Cleveland, found that "the notion of father-son talks seemed to be a myth."

To get discussion going, many parents attend seminars by Planned Parenthood, which has more than 150 affiliates nationwide. The March of Dimes has a curriculum for four seminars for parents that can be led by trained volunteers. The Roman Catholic Church, in conjunction with the March of Dimes, also offers programs for parents on how to talk to their children about sex. "There is evidence that parents need to be involved in their children's schooling and that kids want to talk to their parents more freely," said Mary Lynch Barnds, director of the National Forum of Catholic Parent Organizations. "But parents need help."

Many families find that the structured format of a seminar can reduce awkwardness. And by attending, parents make it clear to their children that they want to be involved, according to Sherry Iverson, who organizes Planned Parenthood workshops in Boise, Idaho.

Most programs do not advocate specific values. "The idea is not to provide facts but tactics, strategies for approaching the child," said Robert Goldberg, who helped develop the March of Dimes curriculum. "The same strategies work for alcohol and drugs. In families where communication is better, children are less likely to be involved in a pregnancy."

Personal standards on sexuality can be formulated at home, sharpened in school and put into practice when a teen-ager is facing pressure to have sex. "In the old days, you talked only about sex," said Peggy Barber, a Parent-Teacher Association officer who has participated in sex-education workshops in northern Los Angeles. "Now you talk about responsible relationships."

Fighting the Effects of TV

"We don't just look at the question, 'Do parents need to be more open with their children about sexuality?' " said Shirley Oliver, who leads workshops for Planned Parenthood in Jamaica, Queens. "We have a lot of parents who've imparted information to their kids but don't feel they've done a good job. More and more, they're saying how do they fight back with their values against values of the TV? Is talking enough?"

Some parents see seminars as a way to keep their children from making mistakes they made as adolescents. "If I'd had some self-confidence and/or known how to get contraceptives, I probably wouldn't have been in the situation I was in," said Vicki Bird of Boise, who was pregnant when she got married at age 17.

"Those are the things that come out in the classes," she said. "You don't have to do anything you don't want, but if you do choose to be sexually active, here's how to go about it so you don't have a pregnancy you don't want. And since my son has been through the class, he's been propositioned twice by girls. He says he looked at the big picture and the results and made what he felt was a responsible decision and said no."

When a child is sexually active despite parental opposition, "Parents can feel very, very guilty," Ms. Oliver said. "We try to help them realize that ultimately the decision is not up to them."

Effects of Seminars

Research on the effectiveness of parent-child programs indicates that parent-child communication increases within 90 days after such a course. The comfort level of parents and children in discussing sexuality also rises, as does the children's knowledge. Douglas Kirby, director of the Center for Population Options, a Washington group that seeks to prevent unwanted pregnancies among teen-agers, said such programs are more effective when they involve preadolescent youngsters.

In many communities, however, only small numbers of parents participate. In one case, when a Planned Parenthood chapter in western Michigan advertised a free sex-education workshop for mothers and daughters not long ago, only one mother and daughter signed up.

Ms. Oliver said parents should repeat advice on sex at different times. But she cautioned parents not to overdo it, citing her own experience with her daughters, aged 12 and 13:

"Sometimes they are so sick and tired of me talking about this they say: 'Don't tell us any more. We know you want to prepare us, Mommy, but lay off.' You don't want to overkill. They will give you an indication of what's too much."

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