The New York Times - October 23, 1986
Daniel Goleman

The experts emphasized that there is much variation among children in their level of sophistication and understanding about such matters and that parents should wait for a naturally occurring moment to broach the topic.

The experts said the topic of acquired immune deficiency syndrome and its dangers should be part of a general discussion about sex, which should include frankness about these dangers.

"There is no arbitrary age where a child is ready to talk about sex," said Richard A. Gardner, a clinical professor of child psychiatry at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons.

Candor Is Best Approach

"If they are old enough to ask where they came from, they are old enough to hear about sex," he said. "Some 3-year-olds can understand it, while other children don't really until they are 7 or 8. And it is not a one-time conversation; in different ways, you may need to go over the same topics with the same child at different ages. And AIDS and its dangers should be part of that discussion from the start."

Candor is the best approach, but that does not mean going into more detail about such topics as drug use and anal intercourse than a child is ready to hear.

Carol Lewis, a clinical psychologist in the child and adolescent division of the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey, who is the author of "Listening to Children," said, "Telling a kid about the dangers of contaminated needles is pointless if he doesn't know the first thing about drug use."

'Realistic Fear Is Healthy'

Children may benefit if a parent's candor makes them mildly fearful of the risks of sex, such as AIDS or unwanted pregnancies, the experts said, but parents should be cautious about instilling too much fear.

Dr. Gardner said: "It's like telling a child that if you smoke you may get cancer. A realistic fear is healthy, but don't create morbid panic."

In talking with a child about AIDS, a parent can be as explicit as the child's level of mental understanding allows. Dr. Lewis said, "To a 5-year-old I would say that AIDS is a very bad disease you can get if you use drugs or have sex with someone who is infected, assuming you've told the child about sex."

"At 10, you can be more explicit, talking about using condoms for sex and the dangers of needles, for instance," Dr. Lewis added. "And to a teen-ager you can be very explicit, talking about details such as body secretions and vaginal and anal tearing."

Rebecca Cohen, director of clinical social work at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago and co-editor of "Parenting," said: "Children around 6 to 8 are not cognitively developed ready to understand the various forms of sexual practices. Telling a 5-year-old about condoms, anal intercourse and tainted needles is not going to serve the purpose; that can just be part of the climate of hysteria."

As a general approach, the experts advise listening to what a child is actually asking when a topic related to sex is brought up and answering the child's questions along with adding the information about AIDS.

Children in kindergarten and the lower grades now hear lectures by law-enforcement officials and others about the dangers of going off with strangers, some experts pointed out. In the same way, alerting them to the dangers of AIDS early in life may serve to help them avoid the risks should they encounter them later, the experts said.

Dr, Gardner said: "It's perfectly appropriate to discuss sex and AIDS with a child as young as 5 to 7. But young children do not relate to the topic so well; sex seems strange to them. If that is the child's reaction, just say, 'You may feel differently one day,' and leave it at that, until the topic arises again."

Parents should be alert for natural opportunities to bring up the topic, or parts of it, from time to time, the experts advised. Such moments might include hearing about AIDS on the news, or about a pregnant teen-ager, or about a drug problem in the schools.

"Don't give a whole long lecture or make it an obsession," said Dr. Gardner. "Just say what seems appropriate to the moment.

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