The New York Times - December 31, 1985
Michael Winerip

The main participants at lunch that day were: THE SON, Kenneth Meeks, 44 years old, former public school teacher, Ph.D, former college professor. THE MOTHER, Fritzie Meeks, a retired bookkeeper, a regular churchgoer, who has been playing cards with the same four women since 1932. THE FATHER, also named Kenneth Meeks, a retired long-haul truck driver and teamsters' union member, an admirer of Jimmy Hoffa, a Mason and a Shriner.

MOTHER: Jack and Kenneth would come over about once a month. So when they called, I said, "Sure, why not." I made cold cuts, potato salad, carrot salad, a Jell-O mold, the usual, pickles and olives and what have you.

FATHER: I drove her to the store to get the rolls.

MOTHER: They didn't seem nervous. Kenneth always had a hug and a kiss for his mother.

SON: If my parents had ever come to me before this and said, "Kenneth, are you" - God only knows what word they would have used - I would have said, "Yes," but they never asked. I've never worn my sexual orientation on my sleeve. Jack and I have been living together 10 years, good friends from my mother's perspective. As late as the summer of '84, my mother asked Jack if I'd get married. If they were unable to discern what was going on, there wasn't a necessity to tell them.

MOTHER: I figured they were roommates who pooled resources for financial reasons, and that was the way the story came out. I saw there was one bed in their apartment, but I figured, that's the only way they could manage. I guess I was naive or something.

FATHER: I myself had the idea something was going on. It was just the way they spoke to each other. I sensed they cared about each other. If Kenneth wanted to bring it up, that was fine, but it was up to him. It's like Jack would say right now, "When you get two fellows 30 or 40 living with each other, there's got to be something going on." I had my suspicions, so to say, even when he was teaching in Chicago. MOTHER: You even thought then? FATHER: Yes, ma'am.

SON: After lunch I said "I have something to tell you, I'm gay and Jack is my lover." And the folks said O.K., as if we'd just said it was snowing. Dad said, "O.K., so what, so pass the salt."

MOTHER: He let it sink in. I said, "If this is your life style and if this is the way you want to live it, it's all right with me." I do remember he said, "I have something else to tell you."

I've always been proud of Kenneth, he was a hard worker. As a boy he was always cutting grass, shoveling snow, baby-sitting. He was a magician at birthday parties. The mothers always loved him - that's Kenneth. He was a junior in high school when he started to work after school at the clothing store, first as a sweeper. He was very, very well liked by people.

SON: We finished sandwiches and dessert was coming. I moved the chair back and I said, "I have some bad news for you - I have AIDS."

FATHER: That threw her for a loop.

MOTHER: I immediately thought Kenneth was going to be dead in two or three days. I know I broke down.

FATHER: It was no surprise to me, about being gay. As far as the AIDS was concerned, that was a big surprise. I figured he's a big boy and he's a smart boy. How did he get AIDS? He's smarter than that. I felt bad. As a matter of fact, Jack looked at me and said, "He'll be dead in a month."

SON: We talked about what it was, what it meant. My mother was concerned I'd be dead that day. I suggested to Mother, maybe she'd like to take a walk with me. And Jack took a walk with Dad. I specifically said to her, "Obviously your son is not as pure as the driven snow." We talked some about rejection of gays by family members, and she couldn't understand it. She felt you wouldn't reject someone with cancer.

MOTHER: We walked and Kenneth reassured me he wasn't going to be gone in a month or year, so that did bolster me up a little bit. I cried when I walked, too.

FATHER: My conversation with Jack was more general. Jack had to sit down and smoke his head off. I remember Jack said, "Kenneth is the greatest thing that ever happened to me." Jack said, "I would have killed myself a long time ago, if not for Kenneth."

MOTHER: He's very obliging, Jack, very considerate. When we said good-bye, we just hugged each other more. I told Kenneth I loved him, told him I was as proud of him as ever. I think Kenneth and his father hug each other now more than they used to. FATHER: Yeah, I'd say we do. SON: My folks are wonderful people. I've always known that. Their response was no less than what I would have expected. My folks walk down the street and hold hands. They love each other and they love others. It's a joy to be with them.

I guess we see them once a week since we had the talk. I never used to hug my dad and I can now. When he hugs, it's work on my part to avoid being crushed. With my mother, too, it's not just a kiss on the cheek, it's a big hug.

Dad can walk down the streets these days and put his arm around Jack. I'm his son and Jack's his adopted son. And the rest of the world can go to hell if they don't like it.

MOTHER: See, Jack has no one. He has a family in Chicago, but they're not close.

FATHER: He's more or less been ostracized.

MOTHER: So we decided to sort of adopt him. We love him like our son. I guess one of the reasons they didn't say sooner about themselves, was because of me, they thought it would matter to me. If there was anything else wrong with him, I wouldn't drop him. Maybe there are some people who will wish they didn't know us now, but they certainly haven't shown it. The girls in the club, they're very supportive. We've spoken to our minister, who is very supportive. Kenneth is on two prayer lists at church. He is very well liked.

Hasn't everyone done something in life that wasn't the smartest or the best? Why condemn those when it comes into the open.

SON: When I was in the hospital for awhile, they'd be there at 2 every day - when visiting hours start - and they stayed until 8. Sometimes they visited other AIDS patients, which was appreciated because sometimes those people have no one.

I had a little skin condition, a rash. I asked my mother to put some salve on it. I wanted her to have physical contact with me, so she could feel the lesions, so she could touch me and see it didn't hurt me.

MOTHER: Parking was impossible around the hospital. It was so expensive in a lot and you couldn't park on the street until 2. We discovered if you parked on the street early and stay in the car, no one bothered you. We'd be there at 1, eat a piece of fruit. FATHER: At 2, so long, out of the car.

MOTHER: Visiting hours ended at 8. Sometimes we'd stay until 8:30 - it wasn't very strict.

SON: A few months after I told my parents, Jack and I arranged to have a a ceremony of affirmation of our love, at a church in Manhattan. My parents participated. Mother baked the cookies, and my brother and sister-in-law came with my nephew.

FATHER: That was perfectly all right with us. MOTHER: It was all right with us. FATHER: That goes with it, so fine.

SON: I firmly believe if a person is told he'll be dead in two years, by God he'll be dead in two years. People ask if I'm dying. No, I'm living and I'm going to live and I intend to live well.

MOTHER: One thing that hurts me so, Kenneth worked so hard to get where he is. First college, then teaching, then the Ph.D. He has this, but in a way it's lost. He's not able to make use of what he's got. I wonder if this hurts him, that he can't do what he planned with his life.

No, I never said it to him, not really.

851231
NYT851240