Miami Herald - July 25, 2001

It's called friendship.

It may be only my imagination, but I have the sense that boys and girls growing up today don't relate with each other quite as they did back in the ancient days of my youth. The adolescent male-female dynamic today seems more tense and impersonal, and certainly more driven by sexual pressure, than 30 years ago.

That may lead to bad sexual decision-making on the part of many young people -- which can expose them to AIDS.

There is no way to overstate the breadth of the AIDS epidemic locally. Greater Miami has the fourth-largest HIV-infected population in the nation.

South Florida's burgeoning AIDS crisis will be the topic of a free community forum to be held Saturday at Miami's James L. Knight Center.

U.S. Rep. Carrie Meek, the summit's prime organizer, wants to break through the stigma and stereotypes to develop an effective strategy to cope with the local AIDS crisis.

Although there are signs that old taboos are crumbling, the black and Hispanic communities are still reluctant to discuss AIDS -- which is exacerbating its frightening spread among those populations.

``I think its a cultural thing,'' Meek told me. ``I know what happened with white male homosexuals -- they got together and talked about this problem, and raised money toward that end. But we've been in denial that this is really a scourge on our community. We really have to talk about this.''

Complicating the 20-year fight against AIDS has been its overlap with the awkward topic of sexuality. Even before the emergence of the deadly virus, few adults knew how, or even dared to try, to explain to adolescents how to make responsible decisions about sex. The decision to engage in sex requires a deep understanding of human nature and the human spirit. Sex requires, to put it succinctly, maturity.

That's why abstinence is an excellent message for teenagers. Individuals who aren't even responsible enough to drive or drink certainly shouldn't be led to believe that they are responsible enough to have sex.

But the ``just say no until marriage'' approach to abstinence is simplistic and only marginally effective, if that. If we had the courage to discuss responsible sex with young people, I believe many more would decide on their own to wait until they are older, when the circumstances are right.

As a teenager, I felt I had no one to consult as I became awash in the pressures, desires and fears about sex. My late father, salt of the earth though he was, never had the gumption to discuss sex with me.

But luck was with me -- I got a very late start at sex, well after graduating from high school. Sex in high school would most assuredly have scrambled my brains.

I know now that my unplanned abstinence happened -- strangely enough -- because I actually liked girls. I liked talking to them. I liked getting to know them. I liked being friends with them.

Throughout my middle and high school years, I hung out with a bunch of boys and girls who knew each other well, played soccer and softball together, went to parties and ball games together. As much as I lusted for girls -- as any straight teen boy would -- I couldn't think of them as bodies to use because I'd come to know and respect so many of them as friends.

I'm not sure that's happening to the same degree today. Boys and girls today seem more like rivals, not allies. Each is likely to regard sex as a ``victory'' over the other, rather than as a sacred act to be shared only with someone equally appreciative.

Maybe friendship can't be taught, but it can be encouraged. It may be one possible antidote to adolescent sexual experimentation -- and that may help protect them from AIDS and other diseases.

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