Miami Herald; Saturday, December 25, 1993
Bruce Taylor Seeman, Herald Staff Writer

Exhausted by failure, she wanted to quit her work at the Poverello Center, a Broward food and clothing bank for people with HIV. But she did not.

The turning point came on a day she ran to the bathroom and found the door locked. Returning to the pantry, she came face-to-face with the man who had sent her running: Not yet 25, he stood before her in emaciated, hopeless sorrow.

"You look like you could use a hug," she said.

The man -- his skin pocked, his hair stolen by cancer treatments -- was startled by the offer. "Would you really hug me?" he said.

She did -- long and hard. The pair embraced, strangers in each other's arms, tears running from their eyes. From that day on, Birkmeyer has been making friendships with people who have the virus.

"I get chills when I think about it," she says of the memory.

Birkmeyer, 59, is now a volunteer for Center One, a Fort Lauderdale agency that helps people with HIV, the virus believed to cause AIDS. As part of the agency's "Buddy" program, she volunteers as a companion for people with the fatal illness.

"I've lost five," she says. "And with every one, I've learned more about my fellow man, my fellow person. And my reactions."

Her initial discomfort with AIDS patients, Birkmeyer said, was rooted in fear of the sickness. She also was uncomfortable with homosexuality.

After years of making friendships, however, Birkmeyer is now deeply devoted to comforting people with AIDS. She makes phone calls, cooks meals or visits people during their final days in a hospice.

Jack Dettloff, 56, is her current companion. A father of four who worked 22 years in hotel and resort management, Dettloff was found to be HIV-positive about four years ago. He has developed no symptoms of AIDS.

Dettloff, too, has volunteered for the "Buddy" program. He got involved to learn more about the disease, then found fulfillment in making friends with people who needed caring.

"I get a great deal of satisfaction when I know I'm being of help," he says. "I have come to terms with myself in terms of being gay and being sick. My family is aware of the situation and is very supportive."

The bonds between Birkmeyer and Dettloff have developed like any other friendship. They talk often on the phone or schedule occasional visits, either at Birkmeyer's home in Fort Lauderdale or Dettloff's lakeside apartment in Hollywood.

In light moments, they joke about their age differences or trade harmless wisecracks. Birkmeyer likes to slap Dettloff on the knee when one of his barbs hits the mark.

Both of them know that one day the context of their friendship may turn serious.

"I could get ill. That's a possibility," Dettloff said. "But there's no way of looking down the road. We are friends -- for better or for worse."

CUTLINES:

MIKE STOCKER/Miami Herald Staff

TIME, LOVE AND TENDERNESS: Ellie Birkmeyer and Jack Dett-loff chat in Dettloff's back yard. Birkmeyer, a Center One volunteer, visits Dettloff, 56, who is infected with HIV. She also cooks for, calls and visits patients during their final days in a hospice.

CAPTION: PHOTO Ellie Birkmeyer and Jack Dettloff (b)

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