Miami Herald, - Saturday, December 31 1988
Kitty Oliver, Herald Columnist

"Out of 10 ways to discipline a child, this is the least effective," said therapist Connie Harrell. "When they get older and bigger than you, you've just lost control and it's hard to get it back."

Harrell, Broward County coordinator for Parents Anonymous, which is part of the Mental Health Association, used that example to show the violence many so-called "good" parents wreak on their kids in one moment of frustration or a lapse in memory of good parental skills.

In her Parents Anonymous groups, she deals with the extremes: people who are, or who fear, they may become physically or emotionally abusive to their kids. They don't know how to cope. A child misbehaves and they strike back repeatedly. They lack control.

"It's almost like they black out, but they're not really mentally ill," Harrell said. "Most of them come from dysfunctional families."

This parental distress cuts across social, economic and racial lines, she added. A prominent medical doctor attends the Parents Anonymous group in Hollywood.

"Research has found that black people don't hit any more than whites," Harrell said. "In fact, the problem may be less. The less walls up around the home, the more exposed they are to such people as welfare workers and others who will spot abuse. If you have enough money, you can cover it up from people or you just move on."

Licensed therapists work with the parent groups, advising them how to prevent child abuse, improve their relationships with their children and learn parenting skills.

But it's really more of a support system than therapy -- parents helping parents.

The idea is to help these troubled parents feel good about themselves, which improves their relationships with their kids.

The 10 to 12 members exchange phone numbers and provide shoulders to cry on. When turmoil escalates at home, the agreement is that they can call a group member who will meet them somewhere for a cup of coffee and conversation until the anger subsides.

They also give each other positive reinforcement for properly handling potentially violent situations with their children.

Parents Anonymous groups in Broward operate in Hollywood, Plantation, Coral Springs, Fort Lauderdale, Wilton Manors and on the campus of Nova University.

Harrell has also started a group for former narcotics and alcohol abusers who face problems with their children aggravated by their past behavior. Often they are problems they find difficult to address in meetings of Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous, she said.

"There is a lot of acting out by their kids," she said. "The kids use negative behavior to gain attention. We have to show the parents how to be a parent again and get rid of the guilt for their past life style."

In January, a group will start for parents who have lost custody of their children because of abuse or neglect and are ordered by the court to attend. Soon, a group will start for parents with the HIV virus who find that the additional health threat adds even more stress to their relationship with their kids.

All Parents Anonymous groups are free.

For information and help, call 733-3994 Monday through Friday. After 5 p.m., call the Crisis Line, 467-6333 for a referral or the 24-hour Parents Anonymous hot line, 1-800-FLA-LOVE.
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