Mail & Guardian (Johannesburg) - May 7, 2004

Other Mbeki Cabinet appointments and dismissals will, of course, be tested in the wash, but none is receiving a tougher media scrubbing than the new Minister of Environmental Affairs and Tourism, Marthinus "Kortbroek" van Schalkwyk, also affectionately known as the "Talking Jockstrap".

Van Schalkwyk wriggled up on television shortly after being appointed, saying that it was cynical to believe that his appointment was a reward for giving the ANC an election majority in the Western Cape. Appointing me, said Kortbroek humbly, was proof that the president was serious about truly "representational" government. One can't help but wonder, if this was indeed Mbeki's purpose, what on earth persuaded him to choose someone even the most reactionary parish of the white electorate had just rejected as highly undesirable. Not to put too fine a point on it, Kortbroek is political white trash.

Clearly Mbeki doesn't think so, but surely he could have considered more suitable compensation for this remaindered detritus of the National Party. Parliament can always do with an extra broom pusher, floor polisher, lavatory cleaner, the sort of exalted career positions in government Van Schalkwyk's political forebears used to hand out to people they held to be of inferior racial quality to themselves. Van Schalkwyk could outreach his talents, rise as high as a tea-boy to latter-day representatives of the people his party used to uproot from their homes and throw out into the veld. Dressed in a smart white uniform, pushing a shiny trolley and diligently bum-kissing the people his party so recently despised would be an ideal culmination to a career as scintillating as his.

I imagine there's some subtle political reasoning behind Mbeki's decision to keep the NP on life support, especially since doing so involved uprooting Chief Mangosuthu Buthelezi and throwing him out into the veld. Perhaps the president feels that preserving a link to the old apartheid government, by actually having one of its unsightly offspring at his Cabinet table is essential to his vision of an Africa in the process of renaissance.

If not to the parliamentary catering staff, where else could Mbeki have deployed this political throwback. Given the memory of some ugly rumours a few years back, it would have been a bit media-risky to give Kortbroek the Correctional Services portfolio. What about Arts? I'm not too sure, what with all that tricky literature, all those plays and things. Kortbroek would be a dubious starter in Arts, even if it took him only three months to finish colouring in his last book.

Minister of Defence? No way. With Defence there are perks like arms deals and there's already a queue outside Mosiuoa Lekota's office longer than those that formed outside the polling stations in the 1994 election. No place for Van Schalkwyk here. In defence structures males even faintly paler than a Shaik brother don't stand a chance. Minister of Education? Now that would be a laugh: the classroom dunce put in charge of the school as a reward for having sent a packet of fudge to the headmaster's wife.

What about that old standby for ministerial back-burners: Public Works? A far more suitable portfolio for Kortbroek; filling in potholes is exactly what he's already doing for the African National Congress.

What about the Minister of Intelligence? Sorry, that's already gone to another relic, Ronnie "Armed and Ludicrous" Kasrils. Minerals and Energy Affairs? Again a bit of a no-no for mainly the same reasons as Defence - this time, covert Nigerian oil deals. Still, officers of the "old" NP also dipped their arms deeply into the public purse and were far better than the current generation at keeping the pillaging secret. Drawing on the experience of his political elders, Kortbroek could fulfil a useful advisory role in how to conceal dodgy government deals - the silence of the scams?

There was, of course, another place for the New National Party's last desperado: Communications, the only ministry with a built-in snooze facility, as was confirmed last week when incumbent, Ivy Matsepe-Casaburri, was gently roused from her slumbers and instructed to remain comatose for another five years. Even Kortbroek might have been able to lend signs of activity in that department.

Why Mbeki didn't go the whole hog and appoint Kortbroek somewhere close at hand is hard to understand. He could have just slapped him right inside the Presidency, where he could both enrich and lend elegance to the political counselling of Essop Pahad. This was an opportunity lost.Still, Van Schalkwyk is where he is and there's not a lot we can do about it - apart from rushing out and buying golf estate shares, that is.

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