BBC News - Monday, 17 November, 2003

One of the best things I ever did was to become a mother - my son is the beautiful result of unprotected sex.

But it wasn't just having a baby. With his birth came responsibility - his upkeep, his education, taking care of him and bringing him up on my own.

He is the wonderful person who has been my companion these last 10 years.

Through him I have learnt to love life, cling on to my dreams and face battles. But 28 August 2000 was the worst day of my life. It was when I was told I was HIV-positive.

I had had unprotected sex and I decided to have the test.

I thought it was best to do it, get a negative result, then be careful in the future. I wasn't prepared for a positive result. But who is?

Emotional distance

I hate knowing that I will leave my son behind and miss out on his growing up into the wonderful person he is already becoming and will be in the future.

It's really difficult to keep going.

It's such a big responsibility for him. I believe he is the only one who will stick by me, whatever happens.

I've seen so many people drift away when I thought they would be with me in the most difficult times. When I told them I had been diagnosed HIV-positive, not only did they put emotional distance between us - but physical distance too.

Luckily I have my parents, my brothers and sisters and some friends. They stick around, even though they don't always understand me.

Finding ways and means

What's a typical day for me? I'm an active member of an organisation working for people with HIV and Aids.

I'm the only woman there and I'm responsible for co-ordinating services for women.

I'm really happy because after a year of working with other HIV- positive women, we have finally managed to form a group of women and we are going to create a little enterprise which will enable us to be self-employed.

That way we can generate an income for ourselves and still continue our medication, keep going to the doctor and look after our children.

I've met five other women who not only share my experience of living with the virus but who also want to fight for better lives for ourselves and our children.

Today we started developing our ideas and discussing what we will have to do to get going.

The idea for this group sprang from our economic situation, few people want to employ us once they know we have HIV or Aids, and we can't not tell them because then we wouldn't be able to get medical help.

Rediscovering sex

Once a friend from another organisation asked me to go to a meeting with him and speak about what it's like to live with HIV. I agreed to go.

I didn't really think much about what it would be like or what I would say. I didn't know how I would be received. All those participating were gay men.

It turned out very well, I felt quite comfortable and I learned a lot from things they shared with me. They said lots of nice things and wished me all the best.

They asked a lot of questions, such as "how did you feel when you were told you were HIV-positive?".

I told them that although I knew the difference between living with HIV and living with Aids, I still couldn't help thinking that I would die the next day and that I wouldn't be able to be a mother to my son, that I had let him down by getting myself infected.

I told them how I was scared in case I cut myself and saw my own blood and about how I didn't want anyone touching me because I was angry with myself.

First this was because I was scared - then it became the norm to keep my physical distance from people.

I told them how I stopped expressing my sexuality and about how I started to do so again once I had found someone who made me feel alive and secure - using protection, of course.

And I talked about how it feels to have renewed healthy, pleasurable control again over my body - using a condom, because I know I have to use one, or never have sex again.

This is another aspect I have managed to overcome while learning to live with HIV.

Saying goodbye

I have found out that our uncle, my mother's brother, died last Saturday.

He was very ill and had been suffering a lot. I was upset that he'd died and that he and my Grandad hadn't been able to sort out their differences before he passed away.

My uncle lived in Guadalajara and Grandad in Mexico City. He got there just as the ambulance arrived.

I don't want that to happen to me. I want to be able to resolve all the differences I may have with others.

031117
BB031113

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