Bay Windows - June 27, 2002
Peter Cassels

"The Smith Family" reports on how a pillar of the Utah Mormon community reveals to his wife that not only has he been unfaithful, a serious sin in the Church of Latter Day Saints, but that his sexual encounters were with other men, also an anathema. Three years after telling her, he develops AIDS and soon she learns that she is HIV positive. Yet in the end, this is a love story about how a family comes to terms with a father's homosexuality, and a wife's determination to forgive and care for her dying husband.

Most PBS stations air "The Smith Family" at 10 p.m. ET June 25. WGBH Channel 44 in Boston will broadcast the film at 9 p.m. July 1. Check local listings for dates and times in other areas.

The story centers on Kim Smith, who thought she had met the ideal mate when she married Steve. Independent producer/director Tasha Oldham, 30, a heterosexual Mormon and Utah native now living in Los Angeles, calls the Smiths "a family that seemingly accomplished the American Dream." A handsome and athletic airline pilot and military veteran, Steve easily could have been a model for the "Top Gun" jet jocks. Kim was a stay-at-home mom caring for their two sons, Tony and Parker.

Oldham's film, her first as a director, follows the family from the time Kim learns of Steve's infidelity and his homosexuality to the period after his death.

Kim, whom Oldham called "a survivor" in an interview with Bay Windows, launches a journey with a difficult path. Steve becomes increasingly self-absorbed as he struggles with his shame and guilt. First blaming his behavior on childhood sexual abuse, he seeks refuge in Mormon doctrine on homosexuality and family life. When he eventually comes to terms with being gay--with the help of Internet support groups for GLBT Mormons -- it creates a strain on his standing with the church. Kim is saddled with caring for the dying Steve and running the family. She inspires their sons to keep faith with Mormonism and support their father despite the apparent contradictions. But as they grow older, Kim starts to think she will face a lonely future after Steve's death, especially because of her HIV status.

"I'm prematurely old from medication," she says at one point. "They [friends, church members] knew I'm a diabetic. If they knew the real reason, I might not be accepted."

Once the church elders learn of Steve's dual sins of unfaithfulness and homosexuality, they want to excommunicate him. "To face death as a worthy person, I needed church support," he says of his decision to confess and repent. "I told the bishop I was ready and changed, but I knew I wasn't. I hoped the Lord would forgive me for lying to the bishop." In the end, Steve was not excommunicated. "I think they didn't because of Kim's plea to keep the family intact and I think they did it more for the boys," Oldham says. "'Do it for them because he is quickly going to die,' she told church leaders. Steve had kind of come to peace with it and Kim said 'It's going to undo our boys if you excommunicate him and would affect all they believed in.'" The film director believes the decision exemplifies the church's compassion.

Attending the annual gay Pride celebration in Salt Lake City had a tremendous impact on the family and will be one of the highlights for gay and lesbian viewers. The family marched in the PFLAG contingent. Kim helped carry the chapter's banner. "I think it was an incredible turning point for the accepting of the father and who he was," Oldham observes.

"It happened right at a time where Steve was really coming to terms with who he was and the family as well. To go on this march on a Sunday in Salt Lake City, it was a huge thing. Tony not being there was hard, but not unexpected."

Parker, the youngest son, is more accepting of his father being gay than Tony, a religious Mormon eager to do the missionary work required of all young church members. Tony left for a mission in Mexico three weeks before Steve died - their farewell is one of the film's most heart-wrenching scenes. "Tony had his very firm beliefs in the church and very much has a right and wrong version of things," Oldham explains. "Tony believes what Steve did, as I do, was wrong. Steve was unfaithful. But I think Tony believes that homosexuality is wrong and doesn't support that lifestyle at all. Especially for Kim and Parker, it wasn't so much the lifestyle, but supporting who the father was. He was a gay man and [they] loved him regardless."

Oldham, who is single, says acceptance of gays and lesbians is not as uncommon among Mormons as one might think. "Growing up, I was incredibly sheltered and didn't have a view about gays except that they didn't exist in Utah -- or I thought they didn't exist," she says. "But I really didn't think about it, nothing good or bad. Once I moved to Los Angeles ... I found that they were among the most open, nonjudgmental people I've ever come into contact with and felt a close connection." Working in the film industry brought Oldham gay and lesbian friends and acquaintances.

She learned to be accepting from her family, she says: "My father grew up in the South. He had experienced racism first hand and really didn't like it, and taught us to accept everyone regardless of their color or sexual [orientation]."

Asked if she's a religious Mormon, Oldham replied: "I attend church. I wouldn't consider myself religious. I would consider myself spiritual. The way it's been defined to me, I'm a Mormon outside Utah and not considered one inside Utah. ...I don't think homosexuality is a sin. I don't think it's wrong. I believe in monogamy and being faithful, but I don't put my views on other people. If someone wants to live another kind of life, I don't judge them. I really believe in live and let live."

The filmmaker is hoping that the film will help change the image people have of Mormons and their beliefs about gays. "Mormons are not all white, and women are not all barefoot and pregnant. Hopefully viewing [the film] will open up your heart and make you a better person and a survivor. I don't want to seem to be presumptuous but that's our goal," she says.

Oldham makes a distinction between Mormon doctrine and the bureaucracy of the church. "They are incredibly different. It was the bureaucracy that the Smiths came up against. It wasn't the community. I don't believe it was the doctrine. There's nothing in the Book of Mormon that says homosexuality is wrong. They believe in family as an institution, believe marriage is between a man and a woman, but it's the bureaucracy that has said [homosexuality] is wrong."

Will the film change attitudes among Mormons who see it? Oldham says she hopes so. "It's my greatest dream. I have no illusions that it will change doctrine, but that's where it starts, with changing people's attitudes. Their views on homosexuality don't change until they come in direct contact with it. When they find out about somebody they love, that's when attitudes change."

Mormons who have seen "The Smith Family" came away moved, Oldham reports. "We showed it to a group of family and friends in Utah and to a group of 300 Mormons [in L.A.]. They were just overwhelmingly blown away, I think.

I was quite surprised by the reaction. I didn't know what to expect. Every person came up to me and thanked me for making the film. I think Mormons can get it on another level. ... It is really going to be more accepted than I thought. ...The reaction [of conservatives] once they get past the fact that Mormonism and homosexuality are even being discussed in the same sentence think it makes the church come out in a better light. They liked it and were not offended by it."

"The Smith Family" opened a dialogue between one of Oldham's friends who came out in high school and her mother, says the director. "They weren't able to discuss homosexuality before they viewed it. As with a lot of religions, [Mormons] want to pretend it doesn't exist. Sweep it under the rug and it will go away. It's the big elephant in the living room that's not there."

Peter Cassels is the Associate Editor at Bay Windows. His e-mail address is pcassels@baywindows.com.

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