Bay Windows - Local News, August 9, 2001
Laura Kiritsy, Bay Windows Staff

"I felt very isolated as a woman living with HIV when I first got diagnosed," says Hastie, who contracted the virus from a date rape in college. "There just wasn't a lot for women," she explains of existing services at the time for people living with HIV/AIDS. "When I finally joined a support group it was all men." The fact that the men in the group were gay -- Hastie is a lesbian -- provided some common ground, but Hastie recognized early on that women in the AIDS/HIV community needed services that could better address their needs.

So it's not surprising that Hastie now finds herself in charge of My Friend David's House, the Boston Living Center's innovative new program to assist women and children -- and men with children -- affected by HIV/AIDS. "I feel lucky to be in a position where I can help other women struggling with HIV be less isolated and part of a community," says Hastie.

Launched in May, My Friend David's House was built on the Boston Living Center's existing respite child care center, which occupies a toy-laden room whose four walls are covered with a brightly colored murals depicting scenes from multi-cultural fairly tales. In addition to child care services for members who come to take advantage of the Living Center's numerous services -- from computer classes, to massage and other holistic therapies, to various HIV/AIDS-related support groups -- My Friend David's House offers workshops, counseling sessions, advocacy and referral services to help women manage their illness in the context of also raising a family -- which many members do in poverty and on their own.

My Friend David's House was the brainchild of David Stokes, an HIV-positive gay man from Boston's South End, and his close friend of four years, Susan Gross, a licensed clinical social worker with 30 years of experience working with women and children. Gross recalls that when she closed her private practice in North Andover and was looking for new work to do, "I was struck by the lack of stuff for women and children and anybody who's working with children who are HIV affected -- whether the children are HIV infected or it's their parents." It was Stokes who introduced Gross to key figures in the AIDS services community and together they hatched a plan to outfit a program for women and children at the Boston Living Center. "And so the idea of My Friend David's House came about sort of as an honor to a friendship, but to develop a program that would serve a different population than the Living Center was serving."

"Susan brings so much of her background to the table," says Stokes. "My role was to help make the introductions in the beginning."

The timing of the program could not have been better. In Massachusetts, 25 percent of people living with HIV/AIDS are women, and roughly 20 percent of the 1700 members of the Living Center -- whose only criteria for membership is having HIV or AIDS -- are women. David Hough, the center's external relations manager, notes that as the epidemic has continued, the Living Center's demographic has shifted from serving primarily gay men to a more diverse clientele. "We're dealing with a more diverse population with increasingly diverse needs," he says. Hough credits Hastie with reaching out to women members. "Beth has done a wonderful job building the women's community," a group "which has been marginalized and disenfranchised," he says.

Hastie agrees, and explains that women are often cast in the role of caretakers -- for parents, grandparents, partners, spouses, children -- making it harder for them, particularly those with HIV/AIDS, to care for themselves properly. My Friend David's House seeks to expand the range of family services for members, for instance, with a recent workshop on how parents can disclose their illness to their children. "One parent has already been able to tell his son he was living with HIV as a result of one of our workshops," says Hastie. The stress of hiding illness is "huge," she points out-for instance, having to hide medications or keep medical appointments secret from children.

But the flip side of disclosure is helping children cope with the impact of having a parent living with a terminal illness, and Gross is also running therapy groups for teens -- and soon for younger children -- which will provide a safe space for them to address the issue. "What must it be like to be a teenager -- where you're so self conscious anyway -- not to be able to talk about something so incredibly important?" she asks. "And I've realized what a wonderful thing our teen group is because it allows kids a kind of safe environment to talk about dating and grades and zits, and also the fact that, by the way my mom or dad has HIV and they're going to die -- or that they're worried that they'll die. And they can't really do that anyplace else because they may be worried that they're going to break their parents' confidentiality, because parents don't want it out or the kids don't want it out. I remember one kid saying, `When they found out my mom had HIV they wouldn't come to my house.'"

Women members of the Living Center face a host of problems, says Hastie. "Their biggest issues are poverty and surviving domestic violence and sexual assault. I would say there are a lot of women struggling with addiction and recovery, and starting that process. Housing is a big issue," she says, noting that many Living Center members are living on fixed incomes of less than $12,000 dollars annually. My Friend David's House promotes empowerment and self care -- both Hough and Hastie point out that if a parent is healthy there is less stress on their children -- as well as better parenting skills. The program has already conducted a successful parenting workshop, and in September, Gross, who also has a degree in Learning Disabilities, will host "Back to School Night," a presentation on how parents can better advocate for their children's educational needs within the school system. She will also host weekly "Brunches With Susan," which will provide parents with a place to discuss parenting and disciplining skills, in addition to offering individual counseling for parents and children.

Gross sees the program's current offerings as just the beginning, and says she's not yet sure how the program will expand. My Friend David's House, she explains, will go "wherever it has to go. It will evolve. It's going to grow and evolve as we know more, as we learn more and it's a living thing so it's going to grow where it has to grow. And we'll take our cues from the people we serve."
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