Bay Area Reporter - November 17, 2005
Matthew S. Bajko, m.bajko@ebar.com

Bradford Tieu, a longtime Gay.com member, recently decided to try an experiment. What if he could get the men he often saw online in the San Francisco chat rooms to meet offline for activities that had nothing to do with sex and more to do with forming friendships?

One by one Tieu contacted various guys who said they enjoyed outdoor activities, like hiking and skiing, and asked them to join a new online group called Outdoorsboysclub.

"I thought it would just be a better outlet for guys to meet instead of just passing around STDs online," said Tieu. "Everybody tells me it has always been something they wanted to do but that they don't know where to start."

In just two weeks 52 guys have expressed interest in the group and the first get-together, a kayaking trip on Half Moon Bay, is set for this weekend. Tieu said even though he wasn't expecting such a large response, it shouldn't be that surprising to anyone who has spent a lot of time online.

"I just think any of the online stuff gets tiring really quickly. I think they are looking for other outlets where hopefully the gay stuff is not always involving sex all the time," said Tieu. "It is just that a lot of these guys are home and lonely and they want to do things together but they have nobody to do it with. I wanted to provide an outlet for them to go out, enjoy the outdoors and guess what, hopefully you will meet somebody, too. That would be an added bonus."

Tieu is not alone in trying to change guy's online habits. Two local agencies have also launched new initiatives aimed at helping gay men use the Internet in healthier ways. Internet Sexuality Information Services is distributing small pocketsize brochures that contain advice for hooking up online.

The booklets come in two versions, one on "the basics" and the second on "the essentials" to hooking up online. The booklets offer guidelines not just on online behavior but on what to do offline once someone has met a hookup on the Internet.

The advice ranges from being polite, such as being nice to the men one meets online, to being truthful, as in not lying about yourself or using another person's photo as your own, to protective, warning that strangers with backpacks "may borrow stuff."

"A lot of men are finding their sex partners online and we wanted to help them to have healthier experiences in their online pursuits," said Tom Kennedy, director of health communications at ISIS.

According to ISIS, the brochure is the first of its kind to approach Internet hookups from an HIV prevention perspective. The California AIDS Clearinghouse, a state-sponsored program to fund prevention programs, awarded ISIS a grant to produce the brochures in the Bay Area and may extend distribution to other areas next year. ISIS is handing out 3,000 copies of each brochure.

Kennedy said the primary reason ISIS decided to create the brochures was to encourage men to have more continuity in how they behave offline and how they behave online.

"The people hooking up online are the same people you see at parties, clubs, or walking down the street. Often people adopt a different persona when they go online. One of our goals is to encourage men to be more like themselves online and treat each other with respect online as well as offline," he said. "When people are online it is easy to lose touch with social reality. People begin to think the people who they are e-mailing aren't actually real people and aren't deserving of the same respect and consideration that they would treat someone with if they met them at a party."

The booklets suggest men online not lie about their age or weight, not tempt the men they are meeting into engaging in risky behaviors or drug use, and not abandon their limits or safe sex practices in order to please the other person.

"There is, in some pockets of men online, a feeling of 'I can do anything and it is okay.' That is harmful to the community. It makes a lot of gay men feel like they don't fit into the gay community or people in the community are only out for one thing," said Kennedy. "A lot of gay men are looking for safe, healthy connections with other men. If we all could start treating each other more respectfully, I think the sense of community could really improve."

So far, gay men have been responding positively to ISIS' attempt at fostering online etiquette among gay men. Joey Perguidi, a Gay.com member, said the effort is needed and would like to see more men be polite and honest about why they are online.

He said the men online are either "just all about one thing - hooking up - or if they don't want to talk to you they ignore you. Instead of saying they don't want to talk to you or they're not interested in chatting or whatever. People just need to be upfront and honest about stuff."

The Stop AIDS Project is hosting a community forum tonight (Thursday, November 17) called "Cruising Online 1.01" meant to help computer users manage the maze of Internet dating and cruising. The effort is part of the agency's new approach to preventing HIV where it targets specific sexual networks to change community norms and foster safer sexual practices.

"The goal of all these different efforts - the brochures, forum, and Internet-based work - is to help gay men to be able to use the Internet in a positive, proactive, sexually healthy way," said Karl Knapper, Stop AIDS' Internet intervention coordinator. "We are not here to judge people and tell them what they should and shouldn't do. It is more about the fact that when people are informed they make better decisions about their health."

Knapper said the forum is designed to be a tutorial to help men better maximize the time they do spend online. Topics will cover how to write an online profile, tips to refresh old profiles, and ways to better communicate with people in chat rooms. The main goal, said Knapper, is to get gay men to be more honest about what they are really looking for online.

"If you really want a relationship don't say you are looking to hookup. We are trying to get guys to understand that being upfront and honest is not going to keep them from what they want," he said. "They think if they do that they will be rejected. The truth is for every person who rejects you there is someone who really does have the same tastes and interests you have."

One misperception men have of gay chat rooms is that everyone on there is looking for the same thing, said Knapper. In truth, people's reasons for logging on can change from day to day or year to year.

"It depends where people are in their evolution as a gay man. Someone who just starts coming out and goes online might be looking for community and support that way. As they get a circle of friends they use the Internet for other things. Not everyone online is in the same stage of their life as a gay person," he said.

The free forum takes place from 7 to 9 p.m. tonight at the LGBT Community Center, 1800 Market Street.

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