Washington Blade - February 13, 2009
Amy Cavanaugh

Smith, who lives in Laurel, Md., used the opportunity to launch Justin's HIV Journal blog - at justinshivjournal.blogspot.com - a public and honest description of what life with HIV entails. Smith said he hopes the blog will curtail people from having unprotected sex and inspire other patients.

"The goal is to reach people on a different level and say to them, 'It's OK that you're positive,'" he said.

"It's not the end of the world and you can go on living your life with HIV. The life expectancy is longer than it used to be for someone with HIV, and you can live a full life and be just as happy as if you were negative, but these are things you have to worry about if you become positive. [The site is] about prevention, awareness and education."

Smith, 29, an Air Force veteran, works in Baltimore as a dialysis and medical technician. He's pursuing a communications degree from the University of Phoenix and has a partner of three years.

Diagnosed with HIV in 2006, Smith said that he believes a random partner infected him in 2005. He began his journal in spring 2007, developing the idea after searching for resources for young, black gay men.

Smith said he found diaries about others' experiences, but didn't see anyone using video to tell their stories.

"It's a great way to reach a younger generation, and I was inspired by [President Barack] Obama's new wave of using technology as far as the election goes, so I thought this would reach them better than reading any book," he said. "I'm not saying that books are not important, but a lot of 20-somethings are not reading like they used to, and are on the Internet cruising, hooking up, going on YouTube, looking at videos. When people are newly diagnosed, they're trying to reach out for help."

Smith said he started his journal in part because he "didn't know what was going to happen when [he] started the meds," and wanted to focus on the physical side effects that come with HIV medications.

His journal entries, like this one describing his diagnosis, are emotionally wrought and detailed.

I was administered the Orasure Test, which can come up with the results within 20 minutes. I was so nervous. I honestly didn't think that I had the HIV virus. I came up with excuses and said things to myself like, "I don't feel sick now, nothing could be wrong with me," "I'm 26, I couldn't be HIV+." By the time the test was ready, I had smoked about 10 cigarettes.

I walked back into the HIV testing room and the reader asked me, "Are you ready to hear your results, Mr. Smith?" I said, "Yes, I am." She said, "Mr. Smith, you've tested positive for the HIV virus."

I was devastated. I couldn't believe it. The first thing I thought was, "I can't have any children." My second thought was, "What am I going to tell my parents? They would be destroyed." Then the final thought is, "I'm going to die."

Smith said he has received a lot of feedback on his journal, both positive and negative.

"A lot of people are saying 'Thank you' for this, and that they haven't seen anything like it," he said. "A lot of people are very grateful I'm willing to put myself out there, saying 'Here I am.' They're happy to see a candid and evolved view of how HIV affects an everyday person in their everyday life. People see what I have to go through every single day and can relate to it."

Smith will soon appear on the D.C. Center's YouTube channel - online at www.youtube.com/thedccenter - in an HIV commercial.

"The more the word is spread, the better," he said. "I speak whenever anyone asks."

Smith said one of the most poignant journal-related experiences came when he received an e-mail from a 19-year-old who told Smith that "the day I found your journal was the day I was going to kill myself."

"He told me that he saw my first entry and that's when he knew he wasn't alone," Smith said. "When I look back at how I grew up and how my parents raised me, it was always a part of me to be in service to my community. I'm grateful that people are getting help from this."

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